Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban A parody
by Potterfan1232
Summary: The third story to my Harry Potter A parody series. Just a sarcastic and joking around parody. Based on the movies. After reading the story please review. Rated T for minor swear words, and some innopropiate behaviors. It's funny though. COMPLETED! YAY!
1. Someone's got Fat

_Hi everyone! I'm writing a new series of my Harry Potter parody! I know I haven't made Prisoner of Azkaban so here it is! I will not copy other parodies for this. (I didn't even read any.) I am not JK Rowling. Never had been JK Rowling and never been JK Rowling. This parody is just a joking version of the movie so it is not real at all. Here it is!_

* * *

_Harry is in his bed under the blanket._

Harry Come on! Why won't you work!? **Lumos Maxima!** _Nothing happens._ Why did Hermione get me spellbooks as gifts!?

Hedwig By the fact you're stupid and the hero.

Harry Oh shut up you stupid bird! I never talked to you!?

Hedwig Then who were you talking to?

_Awkward pause._

Harry Shouldn't you be kissing your inflatable girlfriend/owl?

Hedwig Uh about that...I sort of blew it up when I kissed it.

Harry What the hell!? How could you!? That was 200,000,000,000 galleons!

Hedwig Shouldn't you be practicing your spell?

Harry Well I can't do it! **Lumos Maxima!** _Light emits from his wand._ Yes! I did it! _Light goes away._ Damn it!?

Hedwig Practice makes perfect! Keep doing it.

Harry Aw man! I was so close! I quit!

Hedwig You can't quit! Quitting is not an option!

Harry Who are you!? The goody goody owl?

Hedwig Damn it! He found my identity! I mean no! NO!

Harry Uh huh. Really, I believe you. NOT! **Lumos Maxima!** _Light emits from his wand._ Yes!

_Hedwig somehow blows the light out._

Harry What was that for!?

Hedwig (Sarcastically.) Oh, I'm sorry! I coughed by accident!

Harry Yeah right! _Hears footstep._

Hedwig He's coming! Quick go to sleep!

Harry Oh my god! There goes my wand and my book and time to go to sleep! _Pretends being asleep. A small rat comes in._

Hedwig Sorry. False alarm. _Uncle Vernon comes in._ Go to sleep!

Vernon I know I heard something. _Sees a rat._ Looks like Harry will be having some trouble tommorrow. Bwahahahaha! _Starts coughing and walks away._

Harry **Lumos Maxima!** _Nothing happens._

Hedwig Maybe you should flick your wand.

Harry Oh yeah so if I flick my wand it will work! **Lumos Maxima! **_Whole room lights up._

Hedwig Goo gid bit!

Harry What!?

Hedwig Goo gid bit!

Harry_ Points wand at Hedwig and sees him eating a rat._ Aw sick! Hedwig why did you do that!?

Hedwig Uncle Vernon said it will cause trouble.

Harry Well don't eat it in front of me!

_The next day downstairs._

Vernon Hurry! Hurry! My aunt is coming!

Dudley Who is the aunt?

Vernon Her name is Marge.

Harry You aunt is Marge Simpson!?

Petunia Well. My aunt is Marge Simpson who married that Homer Simpson! I told her not too!

Vernon _Cough!_ Off topic! _Cough!_

Dudley Does she have a dog?

Vernon It's a cute one!

Dudley So she has a dog?

Vernon Of course Dudley.

Harry Is she nice?

Vernon Who was talking to you!?

Harry Sorry! Can you sign this?

Vernon **_I would like to be taken out of Hogwarts. Sign here if wanted _**Of course!

Harry I mean the other side.

Vernon **_The student shall be able to go to Hogsmeade (A shopping place. It even has a mall!) with the permission of a parent/guardian. Sign here. _**Never!

Harry You're mean! I bought you a superman action figure, How to be a King book, and cooked year Supplies of steaks for you and you don't sign this!

Vernon The steaks was eaten in one day, I wanted a barbie doll, and How to be a QUEEN book!

Harry ...you're gay.

Vernon Oh shut up and cook something extremely yummy! Actually cook something bad so that I can punish you! Bwahahahaha!

Harry Well how would your aunt feel.

_Awkward pause._

Vernon Cook something good for Marge and bad for everyone else.

_Aunt Marge comes in with her dog. The dog starts biting Harry._

Harry Eyah! Get off me you perv!

Marge Vernon! It's been years since I seen you!

Vernon Marge! It's been a day since I seen you!

Marge It was!?

Harry Okay. Who wants spinach!?

_Everybody throws up._

Harry Okay. How about tomatoes.

Vernon Petunia and Dudley and I wants it!

Dudley and Petunia We do!?

Vernon Shut up! He'll get in trouble for giving us disgusting food.

Petunia Ooh! Good idea!

_In the kitchen._

Marge Hmm. This tastes quite good! Who cooked it?

Vernon Eh hem. Me.

Marge Ugh! It's dreadful!

Vernon But you said it was good!

Marge I lied.

Harry Heh heh. Reverse Phycoligy.

Marge Why does the boy live here? _Gives dog some steak under the table._

Petunia Orphan. I so hate them. They're all this and that!

Marge I know what you mean.

Harry Hey! So what if I am an orphan! At least I'm not fat!

Marge Gasp! _Starts crying. Vernon stares at Harry._

Vernon Oh you're dead after this.

Harry Oh blah! I'll just cast a curse at you!

Petunia Oh shut up orphan or you'll end up the way happy Petunia is!

_Shows a bubble with Happy Petunia killed from Devil Petunia which is controling her right now._

Harry Cool! How did you make a bubble!?

Marge It's so easy to make one! _Shows a bubble with skinny Marge dead and fat marge showing her identity._

_Harry shudders._

Vernon We're off topic!

Marge _Drops cup on purpose._ Whoops! Clean that up Potter! _Harry cleans the glass up._ You know how his parents died? I do. They died because they shot each other because they were such an ass.

Vernon Oh why didn't I think of that!? I said car crash.

Marge Oh that is terribly wrong. They commited suicide.

Harry No they didn't! Well maybe they did. But Dumblesnore said they-

Dog Hint hint. It's Dumbledore!

Harry What the hell!? I might be a wooflemouth. I can talk to dogs! SWEET!

Dog Save it for book 7.

Harry Anyway, Voldemort killed them!

Marge Oh shut up and wash my dish! (Whispering.) You're orphan son is a big liar. He can't admit they commited suicide!

Harry SHUT UP! _Marge starts swelling up. The buttons in her coat hits Dudley in the head and then hits a clock and then hits the dog and then hits Dudley again who fell down again._ Cool.

_Marge starts floating in the air._

Vernon Oh my god! Marge!

Marge This is fun! So when am I going back down?

Harry Never.

Marge Oh my god! Help me!

Harry Of course if a pin hits you, you're screwed.

Marge I don't want to die by blowing up!

Vernon You won't sis! You won't!

_Marge goes out from the window and gets stuck._

Harry Hold on! Let me help you there. _Tries to push Marge out of the window._

Marge Stop it! I'm going to die!

Harry Damn straight you will!

Vernon Stop it!

_Marge comes out from the window._

Marge Help me you bastard!

_Vernon tries pulling her down and now he's floating. Now the dog is biting Vernon's leg and is also floating._

Marge Don't you dare!

Vernon Sorry sis! _Falls down. Marge goes flying in the air. _NOOO!!!

Harry Don't worry! I made a clay figure of her so that you can remember her. _Gives Vernon a clay figure._ Also if her body is in an auction I'll try buying it.

Vernon Good luck with that you killer.

_LATER!_

_Harry comes down from the staircase with his luggages and Hedwig._

Vernon Where are you going?

Harry I'm leaving! I am going to marry this girl named Cho and live happily ever after with our Chamerica children!

Vernon Chamerica?

Harry Chinese and American kids mixed together. Bye! Oh I left a note in the fridge. _Gets ready to leave the house._

Vernon Oh no you won't! What about Marge!?

Harry I'll buy her in an auction! BYE! _Leaves house._ Look in the fridge!

Vernon Hmm. **_Dear family Hi! I'm leaving. Bye! Harry Potter._** HARRY POTTER!

Harry Seems like they're going to have a terrible life.

* * *

_I think this is quite long. I made it a little too long maybe. I know it wasn't so funny. Barely any jokes, only a few. But hey! I'm not copying at least! (I don't think I am because I didn't read any of these parodies.) Thank you for reading this chapter. Good or bad give me some reviews, Please._


	2. Monster Book of Monster's Rage

_Another (kind of short.) chapter. I hope it's funny. If not, well I guess I'll try making the next chapter even funnier. This is kind of random. The way I like it! Remember, I don't own anything of JK Rowling and never had been JK Rowling. Here is the new long chapter. Don't die._

* * *

_Harry keeps walking until he is in a playground._

Harry Ooh! A park! I want to go on the swings, Mommy! _Sees no one is around him._ Oh what the hell! _Runs to the swings._

_The swing goes back and forth._

Harry Ehh. This is boring. _Gets off swing and runs to a slide._

_Harry climbs up the slide and gets on the slide and goes down._

Harry WEE! OW! Spark. WEE! OW! Spark. _Somehow falls off the swing and lands on a hard ground._ Good thing the hero doesn't get hurt.

_Harry runs to the monkey bars and falls down._

Harry WAH! MOMMY! _Sees a black wolf._ I must be hallucinating.

Wolf Oh no you're not! You completely see me. (Whisper) Dramatic Music. I want dramatic Music in my entrance!

_Jaw music starts playing. Dah dun... Dah dun...Dah Dun Dah Dun Dah Dun! _

Harry Oh my god! I'm so dead! Help me! _Bus comes out of nowhere and Harry think it crushes the wolf._ Hey! Thanks!

Man About what? For killing a wolf? Like that's true.

Harry No really! You did crush it! Who are you?

Stan Why I'm Stan Shupike! A guy in the Knight Bus! Come in!

Harry Okay...I guess.

_Harry goes into the knight bus._

Harry Oh my god! A headless head!

Head Oh my god! Godzilla!

Harry Oh my god! Where!?

Head There! _Points at Harry._

Stan Hey! Why are you acting like that!?

Head Sorry, Stan.

Stan YOU HAVE TO ACT MEANER! YOU'RE SUCH A FATSO, HARRY!

Harry Hey that was mean! _Pretends to cry._

Head Next stop barfville!

Harry Oh my god! Two cars!

Stan Get thin! Get thin!

_The Knight Bus starts getting thinner and is between the two cars._

Harry Hey I don't feel anything! Sweet!

Stan Shut up fatty!

Harry You're mean! _Starts crying._

_Stan starts reading a newspaper. Harry sees this madman in it._

Harry Hey! Who's he?

Stan Him!? His name is HellRocks Bother!

Harry No not him. That guy! _Points at Madman._

Stan Oh! That's Sirius Black.

Harry Who's he?

Stan He's a person who killed 9 people with a single curse. He escaped from Azkaban and is out on the loose for revenge.

Harry _Starts crying._ That is so sweet.

Stan Yes. I know.

_Harry starts crying until he smacks on a window._

Harry Ow! What the hell!?

Head Next stop! Leaky Caldron!

Harry Ooh! Is that a Caldron leaking with potions! I'm going there!

Stan Have it your way then.

Head I'm a barbie Girl! In a barbie World!

Harry Err. That was...random.

Head Hey! When were you here?

Harry Ten minutes ago.

Stan Bye Harry! Now I've gotta go to Prison in book 5.

Harry What?

Stan Oh nothing. _Knight Bus goes away._

Guy Hello Harry!

Harry Erm. Hello.

Fudge I'm Cornilius Fudge.

Harry You're a fudge! Can I eat you?

Fudge NO!

Harry Who's the other guy?

Fudge Oh he's Tom.

Harry Oh my god! Tom Riddle AKA Voldemort is going to kill me!

Fudge He's not Tom Riddle!

Harry Oh lets just go inside.

_In the Leaky Caldron._

Fudge Your room is Room 11. There's the phone to call for Room Service, there's your roomate Luke Skywalker, and that seems to be it.

Harry Get out of my room!

Luke You're so mean! _Starts crying and runs away._

Harry What!? I want my own room!

Fudge Oh just go inside!

_Harry, Tom, and Fudge is in his room._

Fudge Want anything? Want some poop?

Harry I think I'll give that to Ron

Fudge Want some beverage? Say pee?

Harry I'll keep that for Ron too.

Tom Present! Present!

Harry Ooh! That's cool!

Fudge You'll be staying for sometime. We brought your owl.

Harry Whoopedoo.

Fudge Bye!

_Fudge and Tom leaves the room. Harry is all alone._

Harry Hey! A present. It's from Hagrid! Who's he? A hag? _Opens the present.** The Monster Book of Monster.**_ Cool title! Though, I like Harry Potter Book 7 Deathly Hallows title a lot better.

_Harry opens book which tries to bite him._

Harry Ahh! A book is trying to rape me! Room Service!

_The Monster Book of Monster tries to bite him._

Harry Ahh! A raping beast! Help me! I know books were bad things to read!

Service Room Service. _Wind blows on her._ I'll come for you later.

Harry You know. For a raping beast you look cute. You shall be my Woogie,

_Book tries to attack Harry and then hides under the bed._

Harry Wanna play Hide and Seek? Okay then, I'm it!

Monster Book of Monster Grr. Woof! Woof!

Harry Aw. How cute. _Takes off his shoe._ Here boy! Go for the shoe!

_Monster Book of Monster tries getting the shoe until Harry stomps on it._

Harry Now your it, book!

* * *

_Hahahahahaha!Cough This is what I call "sort of funny" eh? I think it was sort of funny. Bad or good please give me some reviews. I know this is quite short but I can try making chapter 3 longer and funnier. Thank you for reading this chapter._


	3. Arthur's Warning

_Another chapter of the story. I hope you like it as much as you liked the other chapters. Begin to read this funny chapter. P.S. I suggest you don't drink any beverage when reading this._

* * *

_After the fight with the "Monster Book of Monsters" Harry sees Scabber and this cat chasing him._

Harry I thought Garfield doesn't eat rats! Guess I was wrong.

_Follows the cat who is chasing after Scabbar and sees Hermione and Ron arguing._

Ron Well you're a bull shit!

Hermione You're calling me bull shit!?

Ron That's exactly what I'm saying!

Hermione Well you're a brainless zombie so I wouldn't be talking!

Ron I'm trying to be honest with you but what if I am a brainless zombie!?

_Awkward pause._

Hermione Well I can't seem to argue with that...

Harry Yes you can! Just say that he's more than a brainless zombie! Say he's a gay retard!

Hermione Hey! Good idea! You're much MUCH more than a brainless zombie! You're a gay retard! Wait a minute! Who told me that!?

Ron I did!

Harry What the hell!? No you didn't you bastard! I did!

Hermione Huh? Oh Harry, how good to see you!

Harry Oh shit. Now the geek and the retard is going to get me.

Ron Keep Garfield away from Scabber!

Garfield Huh? I never chased that rat. Better tell Jon this! _Walks away._

Hermione Uh right. His name is CROOKSHANK!

Ron Well... Harry help me out with this!

Harry What am I!? The argue helper?

Ron If you want you can be the janiter.

Harry I think I'll stick to the argue helper job.

_In the kitchen, Harry is drooling._

Harry Oh you look so hot, Ginny.

Ginny Why thank you, Harry. I never knew you were such a gentleman.

Ron Oh you look so sexy!

Hermione Oh why thank you, Ron.

Ron I was talking to Harry you cat killer owner.

Hermione That's why he's a gay retard...

Harry Uh huh. That's why I didn't want a sidekick.

Fred Hey! Give me the newspaper!

Ron Oh shit. My twin sisters are here.

Harry What!? They're boys!

Ron But they have long hair.

Harry Oh...well they talk like boys.

George Newsflash! We are boys! Now give me the newspapers!

Harry What? Why!?

Fred Because we want the bloody papers and to read them!

George And beside the fact dinner's over. Now shut up and give me the paper.

_Fred and George takes the paper and walks away. Mrs. Weasley and Mr. Weasley comes in._

Mrs Weasley It's so...so...what happened to your voice!? It's so low.

Harry Hello! I went through puberty!

Ron Aw sick man!

Harry So did you!

Ron Oh my god! My life is a living hell!

Mr Weasley Hi Harry! I have something to tell you.

Harry Ask away!

Mr Weasley Privately.

_Harry and Mr Weasley are behind a pole._

Mr Weasley Ever heard of skittles?

Harry Yes.

Mr Weasley Well I need some for my job.

Harry Why is that?

Mr Weasley ...oh fine! I want them because they're so good!

Harry That's all you wanted to tell me?

Mr Weasley Hell yeah!

Harry Weren't you supposed to tell me about Sirius Black?

Mr Weasley No. You're supposed to overhear that from me.

Harry Well some people that are reading this did not read the fricken book so it's based on the movie! The author of this read it though.

Mr Weasley You got me there. You see this mad man named Sirius Black escaped from Azkaban and blah blah blah he killed 9 person with a single curse and now is looking for you to!

Harry I didn't quite get that.

Mr Weasley Just say your line!

Harry It's my line!? CUT!

Mr Weasley There is no cuts!

Harry Oh shit. well then I'll just say kill me?

Mr Weasley ...promise me you won't be looking for trouble.

Harry Pff! It's not like I'm going to this shopping place and overhearing people talking about Sirius saying he betrayed my parents and I'm going to look for him! Like that'll ever happen!

* * *

_Woot! Thank you to my first reviewer for reviewing! Incase you haven't noticed I read all reviews so everyone of them will count. To my first reviewer I'm not taking your review as flames but instead I'm taking it as help so I'll put some thought to the chapters. Thank you for reading the chapter._


	4. The dementor

_This funny chapter will make you laugh. Thanks for the reviews people gave to me. I hope you like this chapter as much as the other three chapters. P.S. Sorry for making the last two chapters so short._

* * *

_In the station the trio is on the train._

Harry Say. Where's that rat of yours?

Ron My rat!? I have a rat!? Why didn't you tell me!?

Hermione You never knew you had a rat?

Ron I had a rat! I thought it was just a housepest we let alive.

Mrs Weasley Ron you bastard! You forgot Scabber! Don't lose him! _Gives Ron the rat._

Harry Did you forget your pills today?

Ron I have pills!? Why didn't you tell me?

Hermione Well this is going to be a long day.

Harry Where should we sit?

Hermione I've been thinking to sit here. _Points at a seat._

Ron Why there?

Hermione I don't know. Maybe because it says "TRIO SEAT" here!

Ron Oh right.

_The trio sits on the seats._

Harry Who the hell is he? _Points at a shabby man who is asleep._

Hermione His name is R.J. Lupin.

Ron She knows everything.

Hermione It's on his luggage. Uggghhh...

Ron Oh. Um ...er. I knew that...

Lupin Snore. ZZZ. Snore. I shall be a memberof the "Gay" Club.

Harry What!?

Hermione Shut up! He's asleep!

Harry Yeah. He's having a very gay dream.

Ron Do you know you have a gay lover Harry?

Harry I do?

Ron Yup! From now on I'll shall be known as your stupid sidekick and gaylover! Let's get married!

Harry EWW! I'd rather have Neville as my gaylover.

Hermione Why are you so immature.

Harry and Ron Why are you so serious!?

Hermione ...looks like I can't say anything here seriously.

Harry Hello this is a parody!

Hermione When is that dementor coming to suck out your soul!?

Harry What!?

Hermione Oh nothing.

Ron Oh she said something.

Harry No duh she said something. It's above the script!

Ron Script?

Harry Can't you read? It above there.

Ron Hello! I can't read. I have brain damage!

Harry Oh right.

_The train stops moving. Everybody looks out the window why and suddenly is pushed back to there chairs._

Ron Holy shit. The window turned into ice. So did my pee you got for me, Harry.

Harry Oh my god. Something bad is coming. I feel cold.

Hermione What do you expect!? We're under global warming! We have to go to Mars!

Ron What!? It's only 1994.

Harry Oh my god! For the first time you're right!

Hermione Well the parody is 2007!

_The door suddenly opens. A hand comes in._

Ron Pff. A hand. If there was a monster that can suck out your soul then that would be scary. _A creature wearing an ugly cloak comes in. _Mommy help me!

Harry Holy shit! A creature that I've never met before! Mommy help me!

Hermione You guys are wimps! _Feels extremely cold._ Mommy help me!

Harry Look who's talking.

Dementor Shut up! It's time for my dramatic entrance!

Harry It's not like you're going to suck out my soul or anything.

_The dementor opens up a hole and a little bit Harry's soul starts coming out him. The dementor stops and does it again._

Ron Oh it's only going after Harry. I thought it was going to kill me.

Hermione Ron, you do know that he's sucking out your best friend's soul.

_Harry starts screaming like hell._

Ron Ehh. Who cares.

Hermione He's sucking out your gay lover's soal out.

_Awkward pause. Harry starts screaming._

Ron Holy shit! You're right! Someone help!

_Lupin wakes up and casts a white shield from his wand. The dementor goes away._

Voice HARRY!

Hermione Harry! Harry!

Harry Huh. Who screamed? A girl screamed.

Ron Sorry.

Harry What the hell! That was you!?

Lupin Here. Have some chocolate.

Harry Mmm! A hershey bar! _Eats the whole thing up._

Lupin Names Lupin.

Harry I don't really give a shit. What was that thing?

Lupin It was a dementor. A dementor of Wonkaland.

Harry Uh huh. Right.

Lupin Now if you excuse me I have to tell the conductor to keep the train moving.

Harry Yeah. You do that.

* * *

_Pretty short. I'll try making chapters longer and funnier next time. I hope you liked this chapter a lot. Next chapter coming faster if I get reviews. Reviews makes me happy! No reviews makes me sad. Thank you for reading this chapter._


	5. Back at Hogwarts

_I've been getting some bad reviews for this story. One person said it could have been better. You see I'm not like the class clown at school. I'm just a geek so that's why I'm not that funny. I can try making this chapter funny though. Thanks for all the reviews that you gave to me. Well actually they were despising reviews but eh. At least I got reviews._

* * *

_Kids are singing a song._

Kids Trouble! Trouble! Give me some skittles now! _Frog croaks._

Dumbledore Thank you. I'd give you an (F-) if that was a singing test. Welcome back to another year at Hogwarts! As you can see the Dumbledore who acted in Chamber of Secrets and Sorcerer Stone is not here at the moment because he died so I will be taking his place.

Everybody Amen to Dumbledore who died. Amen.

Dumbledore Before you eat this meal I have something to say. I'll say it quickly. Dementors are surrounding the school to suck out the soul of this guy named Sirius Black. Blah blah blah. What the hell. They're surrounding the school in case he comes in. Stay away from them. That's all I have to say.

Malfoy Hey Harry! Did you faint!? Did you actually faint?

Ron Hell yeah he did!

Harry Ron!

Ron What? I being honest.

Harry Honesty is for gay lords!

Ron Maybe I am a gay lord!

Harry I can't seem to argue with that.

Dumbledore Oh wait! I didn't say my whole line! Harry, you will have to vs the dementors during the story.

Harry I do!? Eh. It's not like there will be an army of them. So how do you know that?

Dumbledore You have really gotta start reading the books now.

Harry I know how to read but I read blank books only.

Dumbledore Anyway. To the people who watched the movie "Casino Royale" may eat the chickens and beefs. The people who watched "Epic Movie" will eat all the vegetables.

Gryffindor and Ravenclaw AW MAN!

Slytherin and Hufflepuff Yippee!

_At the Gryffindor Portrait._

Fat lady It's hard to believe! That I couldn't see. You were always-

Ron Oh shut up! You're dreadful! You made it to the Worst Singer of Fame!

Harry Well actually she's not that bad. _Everybody stares at Harry._ What!?

Seamus Fortuna Major!

Fat lady Shh! I'm singing! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Harry Now I think you're dreadful! FORTUNA MAJOR!

Fat lady I'm trying to break the glass! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! _Smacks glass to a wall making it break. _My voice is so sweet!

Harry Fortuna Major.

Fat lady Hmm. No applauses. _Opens up the door. _

Harry Thank you.

Ron She sucks! She can't sing!

Seamus She sings like the guy from American Idol who got famous for singing so bad!

Harry Who knows. She might be famous.

Seamus No one is as famous as Daniel Radcliffe.

Harry What the hell!? I thought I told people not to put my real name in the movie cast and all over the internets!

Ron You forgot magazines and books.

Harry WHAT THE HELL! They put my name everywhere!

Ron Well yeah. You are the only most famous teenager in the world.

Harry Aw shit. This is worse than being the 'Boy who lived."

Seamus Yeah. I heard you will be the Chosen one in Half Blood Prince.

Harry What do you mean Chosen one?

Ron You have gotta start reading the books.

Harry What the hell!? You don't even read the fricken books!

Ron Yeah but...Aw shit. I felt left out.

_In the Boy's Dormitory._

Seamus _screeches like a monkey._ Oh you have gotta admit that was awesome!

Neville _Mimics a giraffe's voice. _Was that good?

Ron Nah. That was terrible. _Roars like a lion._ Now that's how to be awesome!

Harry I wonder what this candy does.

Seamus Oh don't eat that!

Harry _Steam comes out of his ears._ Ow that hurts! PILLOW FIGHT!

* * *

_Not so funny. Quite short. I didn't know this chapter would be so short. Please give me reviews for next chapter to come out faster. Thank you for reading this chapter._


	6. The Flight with Buckbeak

_Another chapter is here. I hope you enjoy this chapter. I hope it's very funny to you. Well here it is. P.S. Hey, wanna know something? Go on the website to see when Order of the Phoenix is coming and when the book Deathly Hallows is coming out. It tells you the exact time._

* * *

_In divination class._

Tralawney I want you all to take out a handful of dirt.

Harry Er why?

Tralawney Oh shut up and eat the dirt now!

Neville But I'm on a diet!

Tralawney Oh yeah like I care you fatty! Okay when you eat it use the force on the cup.

Ron How? I'm not a jedi! No one is!

Harry Uh oh. I have to tell Obi Wan this.

Tralawney Um. Pour water into your cup! That's it. Now use you mind to tell your future.

Harry I already know my future.I'm going to (maybe) die in book 7.

Hermione Proffesor! I think Harry found his future.

Ron When did you come here!?

Hermione I was always here.

Trelawney Well lets see his cup and oh my freaking hell! Harry this is bad!

Harry It's not like cursed or anything. Is it?

Trelawney You've got the grim!

Harry So?

Trelawney That's the sign of the omen!

Harry OH MY GOD! SOMEONE HELP ME!

Dean The grim is the sign of an omen. The sign of the curse. Anywho who gets this in their cup shall be cursed.

Harry Oh my god! But I'm the hero! I'm supposed to be invincible!

Ron Chillax Harry. The hero usually gets at least one bad thing to them like cursed, poison, have the ability to be a werewolf. In this case you got an omen.

Harry That makes me so happy Ron. What's next? Lupin's a werewolf? Sirius is after this rat?

Hermione Pff. Like that'll ever happen. Oh wait it does.

Harry What the hell! You read the books!?

Hermione Yeah. I read them at least 500,000,000. That's too short. I'm no geek! _Starts crying._

Ron Shh! No one is supposed to know that yet!

Hermione Oh right.

Trelawney Oh shut up!

_Outside of Hagrid's hut._

Ron Hold on! How were you in two classes at the same time?

Hermione I wasn't! How can that happen?

Ron I dunno. You might have a time turner or something.

Harry Oh my fricken god. I got an omen.

Ron Oh shut up Harry. It's not bad.

Hermione Actually it kinda is.

Harry That makes me feel loads better.

Hermione Oh why thank you!

Harry I was being sarcastic.

Hermione Well then why did you say that it makes you feel better.

Harry This sucks more than that time I pranked Stewie Griffin.

_Harry comes to Peter's house and rings his doorbell._

Peter Hello? Who are you?

Harry I'm Harry Potter! I wanna see Stewie.

Peter You bastard! Like he's ever coming out! He's so emo and he's coming out.

Harry Okay.

_Stewie comes outside._

Stewie So what's up?

Harry Hey. I heard you won 525,600 dollars.

Stewie Oh my god really!?

Harry Yeah it's in my house. In the toilet.

_In Harry's bathroom._

Stewie So where's the money?

Harry Right here! _Pushes Stewie down into the toilet and flushes him down._

Stewie Ah! Brian help!

_Back in the house._

Brian I know Stewie's in trouble I can just feel it!

_Back to where we are are._

Hermione That doesn't really make sense at all.

Harry Well he did steal my girlfriend Cho.

Hagrid Welcome to our first lesson. I would like you to meet someone. Dan dan dan! Buckbeak the hippogriff!

Harry Hippocrite?

Hagrid Now who wants to be friends with him?

Harry Me!

Hermione Me!

Ron Me!

Malfoy Me!

Harry What the hell!?

Malfoy Got a problem if I like birds!?

Hagrid Harry! You greet him!

Harry Okay. So beaky. What's up? Whatcha do for daily. Hey I heard that Sirius is going to keep you. So wanna be friends?

Hagrid You did great! Now to ride him!

Harry Woot! Woot!

_Buckbeak is in the air._

Harry AH! We're soaring. Flying. That's all I know to the lyrics.

Buckbeak Well how about singing you were always there besides me?

Harry Hey! Good idea! It's hard to believe! That I couldn't see. This is boring. We are the champians! Watch out for that lake!

_Buckbeak goes toward the lake and and puts his claw near it._

Harry Hey look! It's Eragon and Sapphire! ( Don't know how to spell the dragons name.)

Eragon I gotta go now! BYE!

Harry We better go back to Hagrid.

_Buckbeak and Harry returns to Hagrid's hut._

Hagrid How was it?

Harry I really don't know what to say. I met Eragon!

Ron Yah. We better head back. You're going crazy from that flight.

Harry Pff. I'm emo!

* * *

_Random chapter. I agree with that. I also notice this is kinda short. I dunno why my chapters are suddenly so short! Well I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please give me a review. Everyone of them counts. Thank you for reading this chapter._


	7. Holy Shit! A Borgart!

_WHOA! I did not know I'd already have 7 reviews! That is so much! Thank you to all reviewers. This story should be funny. If not I guess that's okay. Have fun reading this chapter!_

* * *

_In Care of Magical._

Malfoy Get off! _Pushes Harry off Buckbeak._ So hi you ugly brute. What's the meaning of life you falcon!?

Buckbeak !?! _Attacks Malfoy by biting him in the arm._

Malfoy Ow! He attacked me! I see the light!

Harry Just walk toward the light Malfoy and you'll be safe!

Hagrid Nice one Buckbeak! Here's two ferrets! _Throws two ferrets at Buckbeak. Students stares at him._ I mean that was very bad of you!

Hermione He has to be taken to the Hospital Wing!

Hagrid Aw! But that's like a mile to get there!

Harry Yeah Hermione. Let Malfoy die.

Malfoy AH! Someone help me! Stay away you ugly brute!

Harry I hope you learned a lesson from this.

Malfoy Oh my god! DEMETOR!

Harry Holy shit! WHERE!?

_Malfoy starts cracking up._

Harry I kill you now! _Takes out his wand and points it at Malfoy._

Ron No Harry! Don't do it. He's not worth it.

Harry What the hell!? That was my line! I kill you now!_ Points wand at Ron._

Ron Oh my bloody hell! You're supposed to be killing Malfoy!

Harry But you said he wasn't worth it.

Ron So I lied!

Malfoy Hello! A handsome blond boy is injured down here!

Hagrid Oh yeah! Like we care!

Malfoy You know! I'll be a super hot villian in book 6 and murder you all in book 7!

Hagrid Uh huh. Good luck with that.

Malfoy Hey! I meant that! You're mean!

Harry Well you're a blondy with so much hair gel!

Malfoy I shortened down you bastard! I look so different!

Ron Hey Harry!? Are you up for some sex my gay lover?

Malfoy You got a gay lover!

Harry Well I guess so.

Malfoy You are so lucky! Can I have him!

Harry Take him as long as you want. Brush him. Hit him. Do whatever you want with him.

Malfoy YAY!

Ron B-b-but Harry! I want to be with you! Unless he buys me that is.

Malfoy How about 100,000,000 knuts?

Ron Deal! _100,000,000 nuts fall on him._

Malfoy And by that I meant seed nuts! BWAHAHAHAHA!

Harry Whoa I'm going emo.

_In Defense Against Dark Arts._

Lupin So what's in that cabin?

Harry Something trying to get out of the cabin.

Lupin Well. Yeah sort of but no!

Hermione (Quickly)It's a borgart! A borgart takes on the shape of what person fears the most. I'm afraid of getting Fs in all my tests and making the Harry Potter movies and-

Lupin We don't care! Yes it's a borgart. Neville come up here! What are you most afraid of?

Neville Erm a piece of woodchip.

_Everybody cracks up._

Lupin Then that's what the borgart will transform into. The incantation everyone is **Riddikulus!**

Class **Riddikulus!**

Malfoy This class is riddiculus.

Lupin Think of something funny Neville.

_Lupin opens up a cabin. A wood chip comes out of it._

Neville Holy shit! **Riddikulus!** _The woodchip turns into soot._ AH! I'M AFRAID OF THAT EVEN MORE THAN A WOODCHIP!

Lupin Okay everybody! Form a line!

Ron _Borgart turns into a clam._ Holy shit! Help me!

_Lupin plays on a music._

Ron Oh thanks. **Riddikulus!** _Clam opens up and show a jewerly._ AH! It's like such an expensive jewerly! Oh!

_Parvati walks up and the Borgart changes into a book._

Parvati NO! I can't study! NO! **Riddikulus!** _Book changes into a Clown._ Much better.

Lupin You know none these are even funny.

Harry lets see. Voldemort.

_Borgart changes into a dementor._

Harry Oh shit. HELP!

Lupin Holy crap! _Borgart changes into a moon._

Malfoy You're afraid of a moon! HAHAHAHA!

Lupin A full moon. **Riddikulus!** _Moon turns into a balloon. _Class is over! Now shoo you bastards! SHOO!

_Everybody but Harry runs away._

Harry What the hell is your problem! I could've delt that stupid borgart!

Lupin But then I'd never have my cheese sandwich!

Harry Oh yeah! So you finished class for a cheese sandwich!

Lupin Well sort of. Yeah.

Harry Oh my god! I hate you! _Runs away._

Lupin Kids these days. They don't even know that we eat your homework and give you an automatic F-. Sigh.

* * *

_Why are all my chapters so short now!? I want it longer! LONGER! Sorry for making this chapter so short. I hope it was funny to all of you. Even if it was quite short. Thank you for reading this chapter. I'll update when I can._


	8. Where's the Fat Lady?

_Once again another funny chapter! I hope you love this chapter a lot! Don't die from laughing. Here is the new chapter! This chapter is extremely short! I'm so sorry about that. Here it is!_

* * *

_Everyone is getting ready to go to Hogsmeade._

McGonagall Everyone ready to go to Hogsmeade!?

Class Wait! We forgot our money.

McGonagall Well shut up because we're not buying anything! (Whispering to Filch) That is their not.

Harry Hey! Proffesor McGonagall! I was wondering if you could sign this.

McGonagall But it'd be innapropiate! I can't sign it! Eat some chocolate from Lupin. That's all I've gotta say. _Everybody leaves._

Harry Stupid final words.

Hermione You know. It's not that nice leaving Harry behind.

Ron Aw screw him!

Harry That's not very nice.

Ron Don't worry! I'll buy some poop for you!

Harry Yeah. Thanks.

Ron No prob, Mate!

Harry I was being sarcastic you know!

Ron Sarcastic?

Harry Oh shut up and go to Hogsmeade!

_In this bridge I have never seen in the movies before._

Lupin I'm so sorry you can't go to Hogsmeade.

Harry Why would you care!?

Lupin Okay fine I don't care! I just want you to feel better.

Harry Uh huh. Where did this bridge come from?

Lupin I dunno really. Lets ask the director.

Harry You mean author.

Lupin Where did this bridge come from!?

_Awkward Pause._

Harry I forgot that the author can't talk.

Lupin Oh well. At least we can.

Harry Yeah. Um wanna play Hangman?

Lupin Hmm. _Pictures Harry being hanged on a rope._ Ah cool.

Harry WHAT!?

Lupin Oh nothing. Just imagined you being hanged on a rope. Say is that dog shit?

Harry I don't think so. It looks more like goose shit.

Lupin Even better! Can you give that to me?

Harry You get it yourself you old fart!

Lupin Fine then! I will! _Takes goose shit and gobbles it up._

Harry (Eww!)So now what?

Lupin You know you can protect yourself from the dementor with one spell.

Harry Hmm? With what spell?

Lupin The incatation is to long. It's too strong.

Harry WHAT!? I'm Harry James Potter! I'm invincible! I'm not scared of anything. _A fly comes out of nowhere and lands on his nose._ AH! A FLY!

Lupin I'll hit it! _Get's ready to hit Harry in the nose. The fly flies away. Lupin punches Harry's nose._

Harry OW! _Fly is on his nuts._

Lupin I'll kick it for you!

Harry Oh shit.

_Lupin gets ready to kick the fly which flies away. Lupin kicks Harry in the nuts._

Lupin Did I get it?

Harry OW!

Lupin I guess not. I see the fly in your nuts again! I'll hit it with a sledgehammer.

Harry Oh shitty crap.

_Lupin takes out a sledgehammer. The fly flies away again. Lupin hits Harry in the nuts with the sledgehammer._

Harry OH! FRICK! OW! OUCH!

Lupin (Uh oh. He's going to be mad at me.)Er you know that you look so much like your father and have the same eyes like your mother

Harry Really?

Lupin No. Have some chocolate.

_Outside of the Gryffindor Common Room._

Harry Why isn't anyone going in?

Ron Maybe because Neviile forgot the password again.

Neville HEY!

Ron Oh you were right behind me. Hey Harry, I got you the present I said I was going to get you! _Takes out a bag filled with dog shit._

Harry Er. I think you should keep it. I mean you do love it!

Ron Aw. Thanks Harry.

Hermione Oh my god.

Harry Oh my god.

Ron This poop tastes pretty good!

Seamus Oh my god.

Neville Oh my god.

Dean Oh my god.

Parvati Oh my god!

Ginny Oh my god!

Fred Oh my god!

George Oh my god!

Percy Oh my god!

Portraits Oh my god.

Percy All together now!

Gyffindor and the portraits OH MY GOD!

Ron Munch. What's the problem?

Hermione The fat lady! She's gone!

Ron So?

Harry We can't get in!

Ron So?

Dean We can't sleep!

Ron So?

Seamus We'll die from hunger!

Ron Oh my god! Mommy, I don't want to die! Let Harry die!

Harry What the hell!? I'm the youngest in the Trio! Let Hermione die!

Hermione But I'm the olde-oh yeah! That's why I have to be the first to die.

Harry It also explains a lot why you're the smartest.

_Dumbledore, Filch, and McGonagall comes in._

Dumbledore Why aren't you going in?

Harry Er take a closer look at the portrait.

Dumbledore _Looks at the slashed portrait without the fat lady._ You're portrait doesn't seem so bad. Just say the password.

Seamus If you say so. Fortuna Major! _Nothing happens._

Filch Eh. Looks like you'll have to sleep in the Great Hall.

Gryffindor NO!!!

Filch Wait a minute. The fat lady's over there!

_Children runs upstairs and sees the fat lady hiding behind a rock._

Fat Lady It's him! The one everybody's talking about! He's in the castle! Somewhere in the castle! Sirius Black!

_Gasps of Horror is everywhere._

Harry Are you sure? I mean it's not like he slashed your portrait for Ron's rat. Pff. Like that'll ever happen.

Dumbledore Close the gate that closes extremely cool!

McGonagall Gate #1 or Gate #2?

Dumbledore Eh. Close them both. Instead, close the secret gate!

Filch But won't he get through from the other gate?

Dumbledore Oh shut up and just close the fricken gate!

_Door begins closing by a bar and another bar. In the Great Hall the Gryffindors are asleep._

McGonagall This is bad. Very bad.

Dumbledore Chillax! Sirius Black only wants Harry! He doesn't give a shit about us!

Harry I heard that!

Dumbledore Who the hell is still awake!?

Harry No one.

Dumbledore Oh. Wait a minute! Parvati! Neville!

Parvati _Playing cards with Neville._ Oh shit he got us.

Dumbledore DETENTION!

* * *

_This was kinda short. Sorry that it is and sorry for the long 3 day wait. Please give me reviews. Thank you for reading this chapter of my parody. Stay tuned for the next chapter which is not out yet! Please give me reviews. _


	9. Snape's Class

_Sorry for the long wait. I was busy. Something's up with my computer. When I try making a document it just says there's been an error so I had to export this chapter but eh. No biggie. Here's the chapter. By the way. Sorry for the short chapter. Not much happened in the chapter._

* * *

_Snape comes in closing every window._

Snape SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!

_Everybody sits up straight. Neville raises his hand._

Snape WHAT THE GOD DAMN HELL DO YOU WANT!?

Neville I-I-I got to pee.

Snape Then sing your alphabets.

Neville But I-

Snape Oh shut the god damn hell up and sing the alphabets!

Neville ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ.

Snape And exactly where's your p?

Neville It's dripping down my pants.

Snape Oh shut up because you're not going to bathroom!

Harry Where's Lupin?

Snape He's in this shack trying to prevent from turning into a werewolf.

Harry Eh. Happens to everyone.

Snape Now turn into page 324.

_Flips of horror._

Hermione What the hell?

Harry Hey! Get your own catch phrase!

Hermione Oh my god.

Ron Hey! That was going to be mine!

Hermione Er.

Malfoy Hey! You stole mine!

Hermione Whadda whadda whadda?

Ron That was my old catch phrase!

Hermione Then what the hell can I say!

Harry Why are you using my catch phrase?

Hermione Ooh! _Faints on her desk._

Ron Hermione? Hermione? Teacher! What happens if someone died?

Snape put them in the laser desk then like in 007 when James AKA Sean Connery had in a dream.

Ron Really?

Snape Maybe that happened. But maybe not. OH SHUT THE HELL UP AND READ!

Harry But it's about werewolves.

Snape Oh you are this close to being dead. _Squints his finger close together._

Harry Werewolves are idiotic dogs. Some examples are Peepee Goner, Luke Bladderwalker, and Edmund Retard.

Snape Say. What page are you on Ron?

Ron Didn't you remember that I can't read!

Snape Oh right. Well um...YOU NEVER OPENED THE FRICKEN BOOK!

Ron OKAY! SORRY!

Snape NO YELLING!

Ron SORRY!

Snape Shut up you #$!

_Gasps of horror._

Harry Proffesor. I think you called us female dogs.

Snape Oh that's it! _Takes Harry's test out and puts it on fire._

Harry Eh. Who cares. I got a 0 on that.

Snape But what if I burn your test that got a 1!?

Harry NO! Not that!

Snape BWAHAHAHA! _Burns the paper._

Harry NOOOOO!!!!!

Hermione PROFFESOR!

Snape How about I burn your 100 test!

Hermione NO!

_Snape laughes and burns Hermione's test._

Snape And the bonus question was right which gives out an 101.

Hermione NO! I hate you!

Snape And I do too. Now you all will have to write a 167,907,432,543 page essay about werewolves. I'll give you 1 day for it.

Harry But I have to help potty train little kids on that day!

Snape Then I suggest you start now. Page 324.

Malfoy Pss! _Blows out a bird to Harry._

Harry **_Meet me in the bathroom at 1:00. We need privacy. P.S. Bring your bra._**

Malfoy Cough The back! Cough

Harry Okay. _Shows a picture of Harry smiling then getting hit by a bludger then being fried by a thunder then Malfoy jumps out of the stage and kisses him._

Malfoy Goyle drew it!

Goyle No I didn't! It was Crabbe!

Crabbe What the hell!? It was...oh shit. Who do I say.

Harry I hope I just get sucked by dementors during Quidditch.

* * *

_This is funny? Eh this is nothing. The next one will be even funnier. So sorry for never updating. I'll try staying in touch. Thank you for reading this chapter of my parody._


	10. The Dementor's Plays Quidditch?

_Sorry for the long wait. I am so busy nowadays. Sorry but I can't do anything about it. Well, here is the chapter. I HAD TO WRITE THIS AGAIN BECAUSE I BACKSPACED BY ACCIDENT! ARGH!_

* * *

_During a match in Quidditch. _

Harry Get my good side girls! Hey! No flashes? _Camera flashes at his eyes._ UGH!

Girls We can't see! The rain is too heavy.

Harry Try finding me like "Find Waldo"!

Girls Okay! _The_ g_irls were so stupid they take out a "Find Waldo" book. _There's Waldo! Wait. That's the stupid dog. The Great Harry said that we have to find Waldo.

Harry You idiot! Find ME! Not Waldo!

Girls Hey look! It's Cedric!

_All girls in the audience sighs._

Harry What am I? Chopped liver? An umbrella? _An umbrella comes out of nowhere._

Girls Oh my god! Harry's an umbrella!

Harry Pff. Yeah right. OOH! The snitch. _Gets hit in the nuts by the bludger which Harry thought was a snitch._ OUCH! OOH! The snitch. _Gets hit in the nuts by the bludger again and keeps getting hit by the bludger 50 times._

Angelene WHAT THE HELL! _Lightning hits her broom so she goes flying down._

Harry Whoa. You should wet that shit with water._ Sees the real snitch. _Oh my god! _Rushes for the snitch._

Cedric Time to cheat. _Takes out a D17(Sniper Rifle and slow machine gun put together.)_ HAHA! _BRRBRRBRRBRRBRRRBRRR! Cock. BRRBRRBRRBRR!_

Harry Holy crap! _Does the matrix and the falls down._ AH! _Lands on Cedric's broom._

Cedric Grr. _BRRBRRBRRBRR! Cock._

Harry Oh shit. _Falls on his broom and chases after the snitch._

Cedric Damn it! Lost my bullets. _Takes out an ingall(One hand machine gun.) and starts shooting Harry. DEDEDEDEDEDE!_

Harry Ok! That is it! _Uses Sith lightning on Cedric making him go flying down._

Cedric NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!_ Falls down._

Harry Yes! The snitch! _The snitch goes flying down. Dementors comes out of nowhere. _WHAT THE HELL! Dementors plays Quidditch!?

Dementor NO! We want to kill you!

Harry OH SHIT! _Dodges a Dementor. Dodges another one with a chain gun. Dodges another one with a mace. Dodges another one with a cute little puppy. Dodges a dementor with a long sword. Dodges another dementor that is on a levitating tank._

Dementor Stop moving! _Tries sucking out Harry's soul but misses._

Harry CEDRIC! HELP!

Cedric _Takes out a Golden gun and is ready to commit suicide._

Harry Argh! **Iampoopnow!** _Nothing happens. A tiny spark comes out._ Oh crap. _Dodges a dementor and another and another until he sees one right in front of him. The dementor sucks a little of his soul._ AHHH!!! _Falls down._

Lady HARRY!

Dumbledore **Arresto Momentum**! _Harry falls down slowly._

_Some time later._

George Is he alive?

Fred Pff. Hell no!

George Good. Now I could steal his napalms.

Ron Harry has napalms!

Neville You just knew that!?

Hermione Idiot.

Neville Idiot.

Fred Idiot.

George Idiot.

Seamus Idiot.

Wood Idiot.

Cedric _From bed._ Idiot.

Harry SHUT UP! I'M HAVING MY BEAUTY SLEEP!

Hermione Oh Harry...you're awake!

Harry Damn straight I am! Fred, keep away from my napalms! George, you...you...

George I tried getting the napalms too.

Harry You die now!

Wood Harry. Did we win?

Harry I think I have the snitch. _Opens up his hand and show out a wood chip from his broom._

Wood What the hell!? Where did that come from!?

Hermione Um. Harry, I don't know how to tell you this but your broom...well. _Takes out a bed and dumps it on his bed. A bunch of wood comes out from it._

Ron It sort of...crashed into the Whomping Willow.

Wood Yeah yeah yeah. CAN I KILL HIM NOW!?

Ron and Hermione Do whatever you want.

Wood Good. Fred, George. You know what to do.

Fred Hahahahaha. _Takes out a bludger bat._

Harry GASP!

George Hahahahaha. _Takes out a bludger bat._

Harry Oh shit.

Fred and George _Goes toward Harry and raises their bludger bat up._ MWAHAHAHA! _Spits at Harry._

Harry EEP!

_Outside the Hogwarts castle, Lupin and Harry is walking in the woods._

Harry_ Has a bandade on his head and has two crunches._ Ow.

Lupin Say. Where did that come from?

Harry How many times did I tell you? Fred and George beated me up with a bludger bat!

Lupin Oh yeah. Where did you get that crunches?

Harry Oh shut up you pervert!

Lupin Yah. Um. What do you want?

Harry I want to know if there is a spell that can defeat a dementor.

Lupin There is but one.

Harry That is?

Lupin Yo mama! HAHAHA!

Harry Oh! Oh! Okay then. Yo mama so small that she can bungee jump off a sidewalk!

Lupin What!? Oh that's it. Yo mama so stupid that when she saw a sign saying Disney Land left she said "Sorry kids but Disney land left." Whatcha gonna do now?

Harry Powerful dis. Yo mama so flat and flexible that when a kid sees her they'd go "Mommy! Can I go on that trampeline?"

Lupin Oh shit. Oh oh I got one! Yo mama so stupid that when she gets a phone she'd go "Kids? What's the number for 911?"

Harry Yo mama so small that when someone sees her they'd mistake her as the nerd candy.

Lupin I'm losing! FROM A KID! Yo mama so stupid that when she opens a wardrobe she'd say "Look kids! I found the passway to Narnia!"

Harry Damn it! Yo mama so stupid that when she was young she thought she was an orphan!

_Awkward pause._

Lupin That was just offending.

Harry Well that means I win. Now tell me the spell.

Lupin It's too powerful.

Harry Oh what the hell! I'm Harry BLEEP Potter! I'm powerful and invincible.

Lupin It's too powerful.

Harry Oh what the hell! I'm gone! _Walks away._

* * *

_And the story shall continue. I hope this chapter was long enough for you. Thank you for reading my tenth chapter of my funny parody._


	11. Marauder Map and Hogsmeade

_NOOOO!!!!!! I have to write this again because I didn't save and lost my file! NOOOO!!!!! I don't wanna write this again but I guess I have to. Here it is. The ANNOYINGLY long chapter of my parody._

* * *

_Outside in the cold, snowy, crowded weather._

Harry Dum dum dum. OOH! _Sees a sign._ Hogsmeade left! Aw shit that's too bad.

Girls HOGSMEADE!

Harry What the hell? Wait...Hogsmeade is left! Okay. I hope this invisibility cloak is working great.

_In this shop._

Harry Hey thanks Neville._ Takes Neville's lollipop._

Neville What but I just- Sir, can I have the same thing I had? Someone stole mine.

Shopkeeper _Takes a stick._ No free samples.

Neville HELP ME!

_Harry walks up to Fred and George who are building a snowman._

Fred And now the left arm!

George And there goes the right.

_Fred and George eyes Harry. They take him from his arms and walks away._

Harry AAAHHH!!!I am so sorry! It's not like I was trying to trespass Hogsmeade or anything! Honest! Just don't take me to Jail!

George We taught him some good stuff.

Fred Yup. I agree.

Harry Where are we going?

Fred Oh just a surprisingly place.

Harry Is that a word?

George Oh shut up!

_Fred and George laughes in an evil tone._

Harry AH!!!

_In this room._

Fred George, show him what we got. This is an early Christmas present.

George Gladly Fred. _Takes out a gun and points it at Harry._

Harry Oh shit!

Fred Main catch phrase? Oh shit? Is the Something-Bad-is-going-to-happen?

Harry Yes...um...PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!

George HAHAHA! _Shoots the lock on the door._

Fred Finally! No one will have to pay money to get here ever again.

George Fred, show him what you got.

Fred Okay then. _Takes out an Army Knife and runs toward Harry holding him on the shoulder._ Hahaha! My evilest scheme I have ever done!

Harry Oh please don't kill me! I have to die in book 7!(Maybe.)

Fred Too bad! _Raises his knife and slashes an apple into thirds. _I have killed a fruit! One for George. One for me. And here's one for you Harry.

Harry Erm thanks. Now what were you going to show me again?

George This! _Takes out a book._

Harry What the hell!? You want me to study!?

Fred _Takes out a gallon of gas and a match._ Here is our sacrifice. _Takes the book from George and puts gas all over it. Then he blows it up with a match._

Harry Oh. Phew. You know you could've just put a match in it.

George Yeah yeah yeah. Here is our real prize. _Takes out a map._

Harry A piece of old shit?

George Not just any shit.

Fred It's the Marauder Map!

George It can tell you access everywhere in Hogwarts! Watch. I solemnly swear I am up to no good. _Shows a picture saying "BIG ASS" then says 'THE MARAUDER MAP"_

Harry Wow! Where'd you get it!?

Fred We stole it from this hobo.

Harry Oh good plan. say why is McGonagall and Dumbledore together?

Fred What the hell?

George No way!

Fred They're having sex!

Harry,Fred, and George AAHH!!!!!! _Harry takes the map and runs away._

_While Harry had his invisibility cloak he saw Hermione and Malfoy dissing each other._

Hermione You have no girlfriends!

Malfoy Well you have no boyfriends!

_Awkward pause._

Hermione Wanna go on a date?

Malfoy 7:00 sharp.

Harry (In his mind.)What the hell! What a traider! _Takes a snowball and hurls it at Malfoy._

Malfoy Ah! What the hell!

Goyle I'm scared!

Crabbe I gotta pee!

Harry _Takes down Crabbe's pants showing his pink, flowered boxers._ Ha!

Ron What the hell!? That's mine!

_Awkward pause._

Ron Er...HAHAHAHA!

Goyle Ah! We're haunted!

Harry _Kicks Goyle in his ass._

Goyle Eyah!!!

Malfoy Easy there Goyle! _Takes out a sledgehammer and since he can't see Harry he accidently hits Goyle in the balls._

Goyle AHH!!!!!!!!

Harry Mwahahaha! _Continues throwing snowballs at Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle until they ran away._

Hermione and Ron HAHAHAHAHA! LOL!

Ron Huh? _His hat straps keeps going up and down._ Hermione, I'm haunted!

Hermione HARRY!

Harry _Takes off invisibility cloak._ Hahaha! Hahaha! ...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Hermione Okay Harry! You're acting like a maniac now.

_Near this shop._

Harry And that is why I'm here.

Ron For candy?

Harry Pff. Yeah.

Hermione But I thought you were here for-

Harry Blah blah blah!

_Flitwick, McGonagall, Rosmerta, and Fudge appears in a sled and goes to a store._

Harry Say!? Where are they going?

Hermione You're not going in there, right?

Ron Pff yeah right!

Hermione Ron.

Ron It's like this Hermione, why in the world would Harry go into a shop filled with heads?

Hermione Ron.

Ron I mean what kind of bastard would go to an unknown place!?

Hermione OH GOD DAMN IT RON!

Ron What?

Hermione Harry just went in the shop!

Ron Pff. Yeah right! Say where is Harry? Holy crap! He did go into the shop!

Hermione Yeah! Thanks for telling me something I already knew!

Ron Hey! Thanks.

Hermione Jackass! _Tries going into the shop but there's a bunch of heads telling them not too._

Head#1 Get the h-e-double hockey sticks outta here!

Head#3 He's quite religious. GET OUT!

Head#2 Yeah! What the lady said!

Hermione How rude.

_Harry's point of view of his eavesdropping._

Rosmerta Okay what do you want!?

McGonagall I have a secret to tell you. I am not minerva MGonagll in real life. I'm just this actor.

Rosmerta ...that's it?

Fudge ...that is all? Right? No. Far no it isn't. We really wanted to tell you that I'm really an irish dude.

Rosmerta Oh god damn it! Tell me what you REALLY want.

McGonagall Haven't you ever wonder why Sirius Black came to our castle to the Gryffindor Common Room?

Rosmerta _Smoking weeds._ No.

McGonagall Good. Because I don't either.

Fudge Well actually we have a hunch. We think he wants to kill Harry.

Rosmerta _GASP!_ You mean t-t-the-

Fudge I'm afraid so.

Rosmerta No! No! No! Not the book series "Horrible Harry"! NO!!!

_Fudge. McGonagall, and Flitwick rolls there eyes._

Flitwick You bastard! Ever heard of HARRY POTTER!

Rosmerta Who?

McGonagall Nevermind. You see I think Sirius wants to kill Harry for somewhat revenge.

Rosmerta What has he ever done?

McGonagall I don't know. Maybe he stole a dime he dropped.

Fudge Hmm. Actually now I seem to think that Sirius isn't hunting Harry down but this meddiling, animagus rat.

_Everybody stares at him._

McGonagall Pff! Yeah right! Like that'll ever happen!

Fudge Ah but it will.

Rosmerta The plot would be better if we think Sirius wants to kill Harry!

Fudge Oh fine! But soon it'll be the way I said it! You know my conclusion.

McGonagall Who knows. The author decides that. Isn't that right Potterfan1232?

_Nothing happens._

McGonagall Okay. Oh yeah and if Harry is here! You're going to die from Black! You're going to die from Black!

Harry That's it I'm out of here!

_Outside. Ron and Hermione are playing "Go fish"_

Ron Got any zeroes?

Hermione What!? That's impossible to get!

Ron Nuh uh! Look! _Shows Hermione his hands and a zero which is supposedly to be a ten._

Hermione (Cough) IDIOT!(Cough)

Harry _Comes out from the door and pushes Ron down._ Go to hell you bastard!

Hermione What the hell? Harry!

_While Harry is still wearing his invisibility cloak Hermione and Ron is following his footprints until they see Harry sitting on a rock. Hermione takes the cloak off and sees Harry who is crying._

Harry Black. Sob. Sirius Black. Sob. He wants to kill me!

Ron Oh my god!

Harry If he wants to kill me I'll kill him. I'm going to kill him! And when I do I'll be ready. I'll kick him in the nuts and then start choking him!

Ron Instead why don't you do this. Put your right foot in and put your right foot out! Shake it all around and do the Hokey Pokey now.

Harry I think I'll stick my plan.

* * *

_Oh my-Oh my-Oh my god! This chapter is so long! My hands hurt, I'm tired. I'm looking forward to reviews. Because this is long you should be cracking up for a few minutes. Or hours. Good luck sufficating. I hope you enjoyed this chapter of my parody. Thanks for reading it._

_P.S. I'm not sure if I did this in the right order. In your reviews tell me if I put this right or wrong._


	12. Expecto Patronum!

_I don't think this will be such a long chapter for you but I can't help it. Not much happens in some of my chapters which is here. Who cares about how long it is!? It's the humor that matters. Here is a chapter of my story._

* * *

_In Lupin's office._

Harry So...what am I going to do?

Lupin I'm going to teach you the only spell that can repel a dementor.

Harry Okay.

Lupin It's quite hard to use. Not even your wizarding level. Why am I even teaching you this!?

Harry Okay.

Lupin I killed this fly that was buzzing everywhere.

Harry Okay.

Lupin Are you even listening what I'm saying?

Harry Okay.

Lupin _Takes out a hammer and smashes Harry's foot with it._ Listen! LISTEN!

Harry ...okay.

Lupin Stop saying okay!

Harry Okay.

Lupin Shut the god damn up!

Harry What the hell did I do!?

Lupin Whatever. Okay listen now. To use the spell you have to think of something happy. Since a dementor can suck out your soul it'll be harder to use with the happy memory gone.

Harry Well what does it do?

Lupin Make a type of guardian. It is silver and can repel dementors out of the way.

Harry What do I have to say to use it?

Lupin The incatation is **Expecto Patronum.**

Harry **Expecto Pervert.**

Lupin No you idiot! **Expecto PATRONUM!**

Harry Oh. **Expecto Patronum.**

Lupin Good. Now we'll be using a borgart to take in the shape of a dementor. Whenever you're ready.

Harry Okay. Hold on. The time I was born? No no no. Not good enough. The time I won a fight with Dudley? No.

_5 hours later. Harry is still thinking of a memory while Lupin is asleep._

Harry The time I dissed Ron? No no no. The time I pissed on Dudley's ass? Nah. Not so good.

Lupin OH GOD DAMN IT! I'M GOING TO OPEN THE CASE!

Harry Wait! But I'm not-

_Lupin opens the case. A borgart taking in the shape of a dementor pops out of it._

Harry ready.

Lupin Go! Make sure the borgart doesn't reach you!

_The dementor is 5 feet away from Harry. It starts opening up its mouth._

Harry **EXPECTO PATRONUM! **_The patronus does nothing._

_The dementor is 4 feet away from Harry._

Harry **EXPECTO PATRONUM! **_A small smoke comes out of it._

Lupin Oh shit! Go Harry! _Low voice._ Harry, you're screwed.

_The dementor is only two feet away from Harry._

Harry **Expecto...**_Nothing happens._**Expecto...**_Nothing still seems to be happening._

_The Dementor is only a foot away from Harry._

Harry **Expecto...Expecto...Expecto...**_Passes out._

Lupin Harry! Harry! Wake up!

Harry Huh?

Lupin Harry! You old shit! You can't do anything! You can't do ANYTHING!

Harry You're making fun of me, right?

Lupin Well jolly I am!

Harry Oh I love it when you're mad.You're going to give me chocolate, right?

Lupin Here, have some chocolate. _Gives Harry some chocolate._

Harry Did I do it?

Lupin No you passed out. If a real dementor did what just happened to you then you'd already be dead.

Harry Well it wasn't real. _Walks over to candles._

Lupin What were you thinking of?

Harry The time when I beated you in "Yo Mama".

Lupin Oh that was embarrasing. HAPPY! Not embarrasing.

Harry _Sarcastically._Oh well I'm so sorry!

Lupin Wanna give it another go?

Harry Just do it.

Lupin Okay then. _Opens up the case. A dementor comes out of it. It is 4 feet away from Harry._

Harry **EXPECTO PATRONUM!**_Nothing happens._

_The dementor is only 2 feet away from Harry._

Harry **EXPECTO PATRONUM!** _A wisp of light appears from Harry's wand._

_Harry starts pushing away the dementor who is screaming. He tries putting it into the case. Lupin starts laughing. Harry attempts to put the dementor back into the case._

Lupin You did it! In an incomlete sort of way.

Harry I did it. I did it!

Lupin Well actually it-

Harry I did it!

Lupin was supposed to-

Harry I did it!

Lupin take somewhat shape of an animal.

Harry I did it!

Lupin Class dismissed.

Harry I did it!

* * *

_I know it was short and not so funny so please don't throw digital tomatoes at me! I enjoyed writing this chapter. It was very fun. Please give me reviews. Thank you for reading this chapter of my story._


	13. Using the Map for Evil

_This chapter is short like other chapters. So sorry about that. It is funy though!:) Here is the new chapter of my parody. ENJOY!_

* * *

_In the Gryffindor boy's bedroom._

Harry **Lumos.** _Nothing lights up._

Ron Oh my god! I just had a bad dream! It was-

Harry Yeah yeah yeah. SHUT UP! **Lumos.**

Ron But I'm scared! I dreamed that Sirius had a knife and was going to kill me! Say there's a cut in my curtains! I wonder who did that.

Harry Was that even in the movie?

Ron I don't know but it's in the book.

Harry Wait a minute...YOU READ THE BOOKS! RON HOW COULD YOU!? Hold on. How do you know how to read?

Ron I really don't know. I used this tape recorder or something.

Harry Go to sleep you bastard.

Ron Fine then I will! _Goes to sleep._

Harry Finally. Private time.

_While everybody is asleep Harry is lurking in the halls._

Harry Damn it! I have to use a candle to lurk in the halls but in the movie I used a wand.

Portrait Shut that off! We want to sleep!

Harry Who says!

197,886,755 Portraits WE DO!

Harry Aw shit. Out numbered.

Portrait of a knight ATTACK!

_Portraits pathetically tries attacking Harry but is glued on the wall._

Harry Haha. I win!

Portrait NOOO!!!!!

Harry Oh shut up. _Harry looks at the map and sees Peter Pettigrew on it._ Oh no! It's coming toward me!

Portraits ZZZ!

Harry This is bad! I'm in trouble!

Portraits ZZZ!

Harry Oh no! He's only meters away from me!

Portraits ZZZ!

_Harry closes his eyes. Harry looks at the map and sees Peter Pettigrew has already passed him._

Harry WHAT THE HELL?

Voice What the hell what?

Harry Oh no! It's-

Snape Yes. It is I, snape.

Harry Huh? Oh. You're just Snape. Not Peter Pettigrew.

Snape Eh hem?

Harry Hold on...SNAPE! AH!!!!!

Snape MWAHAHAHAHAHA! A boy wandering outside at night.

Lupin Stop. I'll punish him hard.

Snape Will you shoot him with a BB Gun?

Lupin No.

Snape Then I guess he's all mine.

Lupin Let me finish!

Snape Okay.

Lupin Instead I'm going to use a Grenade Launcher and blow him into bits!

Snape He's all your's!

Harry Can I have chocolate?

Lupin Yeah sure. _Snape looks at him.._ Er no!

Harry Damn.

_In Lupin's classroom._

Lupin Where the hell did you find my map!?

Harry YOUR MAP!?

Lupin Er...I mean this map.

Harry Fred and George gave it to me?

Lupin How did they find it?

Harry Stole it from a hobo.

Lupin Where did the hobo find it?

Harry Okay! I don't know that far!

Lupin Uh huh. How could you use this map...At night!?

Harry I felt like it.

Lupin Stupid comebacks. How do you know how to open up the map?

Harry Look! I don't know how to open the map! Oh yeah and I solemly swear I am up to no good! I'm not being good right now because I pissing on your chair!

_Map opens up. _

Harry Er...I didn't mean to do that.

Lupin HARRY POTTER! You know the password!?

Harry How do you!?

_Awkward pause._

Lupin Er...NEVER PISS ON MY CHAIR AGAIN!

Harry What the hell!? We were just talking about how you knew-

Lupin I'm going to have to keep this map.

Harry The password too-

Lupin Here's some chocolate.

Harry The Marauder Map!

_Awkward pause again._

Harry and Lupin What did you say?

Harry I said that-

Lupin I said that-

Harry and Lupin I'm going to know how do you know I have chocolate?

Harry What did you say?

Lupin What did you say?

Harry Eh. What the hell! Keep the shit.

Lupin Eh. What the hell! Keep the chocolate.

_Harry leaves but before he does he turns to Lupin._

Harry Also I have 2 things to say. 1.The map seemed to have been lying. It says that Peter Pettigrew was on the map but no one came to me.

Lupin What did you say?

Harry I said that the map seemed to have been lying. It says that Peter Pettigrew was on the map but no one came to me.

Lupin And the second?

Harry Always have crazy glue near you incase of a destuction happens so that you can glue it.

* * *

_End of this chapter. Hope you liked it. Looking forward to reviews! This is my look when I get reviews. :) This is mine when I don't. :( So please give me reviews._


	14. Divination and Malfoy's Punch

_Here is a new chapter. This is far from over. There are so many chapters left. I hope you enjoy the chapter. P.S. Pirates of the Carribean is coming out in a few more weeks! May 23! Nothing to do with Harry Potter._

* * *

_In the boring class of Divination Harry and Ron is playing Hangman._

Harry Um. V?

Ron Okay. That is right.

Harry Let me guess. **_I love Hermione Granger._**

Ron I-I-Impossible! You only said one letter!

Harry Yeah. I've only seen you do the same thing the last 267 times.

Ron Lets play again!

Harry Okay.Let me guess. **_I love Hermione Granger._**

Ron I-I-Impossible! You said no letters!

Harry Yeah. I've only seen you do the same thing the last 268 times

Trelawney Potter! Weasley! Granger!

Hermione What did I do!?

Trelawney You just talked! 5 points from Gryffinder. One more noise and you lose 20 points.

Ron ..._Small voice._ Meanie.

Trelawney You lose 20 points!

_Gryffindor sighs._

Gryffindor RON!!!

Ron What?

Trelawney Okay. Today we shall learn about sensing the mind of our Crystal Ball! Lets go over to Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

Hermione Wait. Let me guess. The Grim.

Trelawney I'm afraid you're incorrect.

Hermione WHAT!!!!!?????

Harry GASP!

Ron GASP! _Takes out inhaler._

Hermione What?

Harry Er sorry. Hiccup. HIC!

Hermione Yeah...

Trelawney It's what you call the big bear thingy. Um. The big Ass?

Hermione You don't know anything about Divination. _Takes her bag and knocks down the crystal ball on purpose. Then she storms away._

Trelawney Yeah...GASP! You got the grim!

Harry But you just said-

Trelawney Class Dismissed.

Harry B-b-but that's not fair!

_Outside the hall._

Ron Wow Hermione has anger management!

Harry I see what you mean.

Ron You're a big ass Harry.

Harry WHAT!? WHY DID YOU SAY THAT!?

Ron I felt bored going downstairs.

Harry Yeah. So yeah. YOU"RE A BIG PERVERT WITH BRAIN DAMAGE!

Ron _Girly way._ Excuse me!?

Harry Yeah! You heard me right!

Ron Oh you're dead! You're a great bastard!

Harry You're a stupid idiot!

Ron You're a great-

Harry Wait! _Picks up a crystal ball._ We have to return this.

Ron I'm not going back up there!

Harry But we're supposed to be a team!

Ron You're on your own for this!

Harry But we have to-

Ron Oh I'd pervert my way out of this!

Harry How?

Ron _Looks around the room and thinks there's no one near him when a mob of students are right next to him. Ron kisses Harry._ Let's have sex now!

Nerd AH! MY EYES! THEY BURN!

_Everybody runs away._

Harry Okay okay! I'll go up alone! Just stop kissing me!

_Upstairs in Divination._

Harry Proffesor Trelawney!? Proffesor Trelawney!? I'll just leave the crystal ball here. Upsie daisy. Okay. Time for me too-_Sees Trelawney's hand on his arm._

Trelawney _Weird voice. _I got too pee! I got to pee! I GOT TO PEE!

Harry Er go to the bathroom...

Trelawney Psss...I'm done! Time for me to tell you something. YOU'RE ENEMIES SHALL SURROND YOU FOREVER!!!!!

Harry Really?

Trelawney I'm done! _Normal voice._ Oh hello Harry! What is it!?

Harry _Stares at Trelawney scared._ AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!_ Runs away._

Trelawney Well what's with him?

_Outside of hogwarts._

Hermione Can you tell me why it's always the grim!?

Ron Ask Harry.

Harry What do I know?

Hermione If I hear the word "Grim" one one more time I'll jinx that person!

Malfoy Grim.

Hermione _Takes out her wand. _WHO THE HELL SAID THAT!?

Harry and Ron _Looking scared._ Him!

Malfoy Yes. It is I, Malfoy.

Ron _To Hermione. _Jinx him hard.

Hermione You filthy little cockroach! _Puts her wand at Malfoy's neck._

Ron Stop it Hermione. He isn't worth it.

Hermione But you said to jinx him hard!

Ron I did? When?

Harry Short term memory.

Malfoy Hahaha. You wouldn't do it. We had sex at 7:00.

Hermione You're right. I can't. _Lowers her wand._

Malfoy I knew she couldn't do it. _Hermione punches him in the face._ Heheheheheheheheh-AW!!!!! THAT HURTS LIKE HELL!

Harry Good one.

Malfoy Come on Crabbe and Goyle we're leaving! _Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle runs away._

Ron You know that was so...

Hermione Scary?

Ron No...IT WAS AWESOME!

* * *

_Short chapter. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'm looking forward to reviews. Thank you for reading this chapter of my parody. THANKS!_


	15. Execution and Sirius Black

_Look at this chapter and look how long it is! It has so many words and best of all a lot of humor! Have fun reading this chapter._

* * *

_Harry, Ron, and Hermione is walking down to Hagrid's hut._

Harry Say look at Buckbeak!

Ron He looks happy! Aren't you?

Hermione You idiot! He's sad!

Ron And how would you know that know it all?

Hermione Well...look at his face. Look at his head that's down.

Harry Well a lot of shit he's looking at a dead ferret that he wants to eat.

Ron Yeah! What Harry said.

Hermione Let's just ask Hagrid.

_In Hagrid's hut._

Hagrid _Crying._ It's today.

Harry Today what? Today's my killing spree day! Thanks for reminding me! Now only if I could find my SSR-4000.

Hagrid No you lots! Today's the day I lose my friend.

Ron Look Hagrid! I'll only be gone in Hogsmeade for a few hours! Or days...

Hagrid No! I'm going to lose a hippogriff.

Harry A hippogriff!? What's that? A hippy?

Hermione No you idiot! Have you been listening at any of Hagrid's lessons?

Harry No.

Ron Yeah. Me neither.

Hagrid I'm losing-

Harry in a video game?

Hagrid ARGH! NO! I'M LOSING-

Ron My heart?

Hagrid UGH! _Picks Ron up and flings him out the window. Ron jumps back in._ Buckbeak! Buckeak's neck is-

Harry Going through puberty?

Hagrid NO! _Picks up Harry and throws him out the window._ HE'S GOING TO LOSE A HEAD! IT'S GOING TO BE-

Hermione Chopped off?

Hagrid Yes. That earns a throw for you. _Picks up Hermione ready to throw her out of the window. Harry comes out from the door._

Harry Sorry. I was looking for my-_Sees Hermione getting closer to him in the air._ Oh shit._ Gets flinged out the door with Hermione._

Ron Throwing spree?

Hagrid Yup.

_Harry and Hermione comes in. Suddenly this stone just destroys a jar. Then this stone hit Harry in the back._

Harry Ow! Which bastard did that?

Hagrid _Looks out the window and sees Dumbledore, Cornelius Fudge, and um...Macnair I think? I'm not so sure._ Oh no! Run children! The execution's going to start!

_Harry, Ron, and Hermione runs away from the back door. They run up to a hill._

Harry Hey look! Buckbeak's eating the ferrets!

Hermione _Hears something from the bush._ Wait I think I heard something! Oh nevermind. It was my...imagination.

Harry Pff! It's not like it's Hermione and I from the future.

Ron It could be!

Harry Did you take pills today, Ron?

Hermione Shh! Look! The axman! He's out there. _The axman raises his ax and swipe! Chops an organism._

_Hermione starts crying all over Harry's sweater._

Harry Hey! Get off my sweater! This costed me 23 gallons!

Ron Uh huh. Like we care. Ow! _Scabber bites Ron and then runs away._ He bit me!

Harry And ditched you.

Ron Can you wait here for a moment. I've got to go potty. _Goes to a nearby tree._

Hermione Ron, your rat just ran away! Don't you care.

Ron _While pissing on a tree._ Why do I care?

Hermione Remember what your mom told you about Scabber.

_Flashback._

Mrs Weasley Don't lose Scabber!

Ron Pff. It's not like I'm going to be chased down by this dog and Scabber turns into this guy. Like that'll ever happen.

_Flashback ends._

_Few minutes of silence._

Ron Oh shit we've gotta look for him!

Harry Why the sudden change of heart?

Ron Do you know what my mom does to me when I lose Scabber! She'd yell at me and spank me in the butt!

Harry Like I care!

Ron But we've got to save him!

Harry No no no no no no no. YOU'VE gotta save him!

Ron But...but...WWWWAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!! _Starts crying._

Harry No.

Ron Fine then! I'll go!

_Ron sees Scabber and quickly takes him._

Ron You naughty rat! You tried to run away from me!

Hermione You notice what that tree is?

Harry No.

Hermione Well I don't either.

Harry I remember that tree crashed our car but what is it?

Ron Aw! A cute little doggy! Come here boy! Come here boy!

Harry Holy shit the Grim! Please don't kill me!

Dog Grr.

_The dog runs over to Harry and jumps over him. Then the dog takes Ron by the leg and drags him into the Whomping Willow._

Harry Run!

_Harry and Hermione tries getting into the Whomping Willow but is hit by a branch. They go flying._

Harry Holy shitness! What the hell just happened!

Hermione The tree is so strong!

Harry We've got to run!

_They try running again and then split apart by a few feet because a branch was going to hit in between them. Then a branch is ready to hit Harry._

Hermione Harry! Watch out!

Harry Watch out for what? Ugh! _Gets flinged into the air and loses his glasses._ I'm blind! My eyesight is so blurry!

Hermione _Jumps over a branch._ Haha! _Suddenly is hit by the stomech and is on the moving branch._

Harry I'm blind! I'm blind! I'm blind!

Hermione AH!!!

_Hermione is 100 feet in the air and is suddenly falling down, getting hit by many branches._

Harry There's my glasses! _Sees Hermione's hand into Harry's sleeve._ Of course I'll marry you. WHOA!

_Harry is flinged in the air with Hermione holding on to him. Then Hermione throws him into the Whomping Willow._

Harry Well that was jolly nice. _Gets hit my Hermione._

Hermione _Innocent voice._ Oh I'm sorry!

Harry Damn straight you are! You hit me in the back and-_Pauses for a moment._ You know. You look kinda sexy when your hurt. _Gets hit by Hermione._ Was that on purpose?

Hermione Uh huh.

_In the Whomping Willow._

Ron Brain damage! Brain Damage! Brain Damage! Help! Help!

Harry Don't worry Ron! We're coming!

Ron Don't help! Don't help! It's a trap!

Harry _Rolls his eyes._ Must be brain damage.

_After getting upstairs they see Ron on a bed._

Harry Ron! Are you okay!?

Ron I told you to run! That dog's no dog! It's an animagus!

_Trio sees dogprints and looks up at a human._

Harry You. You're Sirius Black.

Hermione If you want to kill Harry your going to have to kill us first!

Sirius Only one will die tonight.

Harry And that'll be you! _Chokes Sirius. Sirius just laughes._

Ron Hermione! I don't wanna die! I'm too sexy to die!

Harry _Takes out his wand._ You're going to die now!

Lupin **Expelliarmus!** _Harry loses his wand._

Hermione You were always with him! You were always his friend!

Lupin So?

Hermione You should be fired!

Lupin Uh huh. And what else do you know?

Hermione You're a werewolf! That's why you've been missing classes!

Lupin You sure are the brightest kid in class.

Hermione Thanks!

Lupin Have some chocolate.

Hermione Thanks!

Lupin I am friends with Black. Got a problem with that!?

Sirius Ah! What the hell! Lets kill him!

Lupin Wait. Let me-

Sirius I've done my waiting! For thirteen years! IN AZKABAN!

Lupin ...here. _Gives Sirius his wand._ But give me a minute.

Harry He killed my parents! He betrayed them.

Lupin Yes, someone did kill your parents but it was someone else.

Sirius And he's still alive!

Lupin Ever since you told me that the person I thought to be dead was on the map. I went potty and started thinking. Who the hell is he? And then a lightbulb came to my head. Ah yes! The guy I thought to be dead!

Harry Who!?

Sirius Peter Pettigrew! And here's right here in this room! Come out Come out, Peter! Come-

Snape Shut up! Ooh! Revenge seems to feel so good. And a little...guilty.

Lupin Oh shit. We're dead.

Snape You will not kill them! **Ava-**

Harry **Expelliarmus!** _Snape crashes into the bed._ Where is he!?

Sirius In this room! Over there! _Points at Ron._

Ron What!? Me! But that's overly mental!

Sirius Oh not you! The rat!

Ron Scabber's been in my family's generation for-

Sirius thirteen years!

Ron No it was 525,600 years!

Sirius Oh you stupid! That was Scabber's family generation! By the way, he's missing a toe!

Ron So what!? It's not like Peter Pettigrew was missing a toe.

Lupin Actually he did!

Ron Oh my god!

Sirius Lets kill him!

Scabber Oh shit! _Runs away. Goes under a piano, does the matrix. Takes a small cheese eating break. Uses the force to go out the window but fails. Goes under a table until Lupin transforms Scabber to Peter Pettigrew._

Peter Remus! Sirius! My old friends. _Tries to run away but Remus and Sirius pushes the fatso._

Sirius You're going to die!

Peter Whimper! _Goes over to Harry._ I may be a fatso but I heard that Remus eats so many chocolate and Sirius has fleas!

Sirius How dare you talk to Harry like that!? You're dead meat! **Re-**

Harry No stop! We have to take him to Hogwarts!

Sirius What!?

Peter Thank you!

Harry And then we'll make him die painfully from the dementors and let them suck out his soul!

Sirius That's my boy!

Peter Whimper.

Harry Whatcha gonna do now!?

* * *

_Quite long. Hope you enjoyed this chapter. The story has a few more chapters into it so don't think it's all over. Hope you liked this chapter!_


	16. The Dementor's Kiss

_A new chapter presented! May be the best one in the story because of the action. I hope it's not so so so so SO short that you only have a couple of laughes. Here it is. _

* * *

_Harry, Hermione, Ron, Sirius, Lupin, and Peter is walking outside._

Harry How's your leg?

Ron How's my leg!? How's my leg!? Your want to know!?

Harry Yeah.

Ron It's good.

Sirius Sorry about the leg mate. Had to do it.

Ron Why?

Sirius Because you looked tasty but really you're just a pile of shit.

Hermione Sorry to but in like this but Harry, you better get prepared for the dementors.

Harry Huh?

Hermione Nothing.

Lupin Break time!

Harry All right. There you go Ron. _Makes him sit on a rock._

Hermione Looks painful.

Ron (I need to look strong!) No it doesn't. (OOOOOWWWWWWW!!!)

Hermione You could tell the truth Ron because I know it hurts.

Ron No it doesn't...EYAH!!! GOD DAMN IT HURTS!

Hermione Told you.

_Harry walks up to poor Sirius who is all alone._

Harry It's great.

Sirius What is?

Harry I saved more car insurance by switching to Geico!

Sirius Oh...you know...this is just a random thing but I'm your godfather.

Harry I knew that a long time ago.

Sirius How?

Harry I watched the movie, eavesdropped on people who read the books, you know the usual.

Sirius Have you READ the books?

Harry Why bother? The movies came out.

Sirius The books are different the movies so yeah.

Harry Uh huh.

Hermione Harry! Look! _Points at Lupin who is looking at the moon which is full._

Sirius You fool! We'll perish now because of you! _Runs toward Lupin who's eyes are turning red._

Harry What the hell!?

Ron AHHH!!!!!

Hermione What the hell are you doing!?

Ron Practicing my screaming. AH!!!

Hermione For w-

Ron AHHHHH!!!!!!! _Points at Peter who picks up Lupin's wand getting ready to transform into a rat. Meanwhile Lupin's having the usual normal stuff. Outgrowing his shoes, Getting hairier and uglier._

Harry **Expelliamus! **_The wand Peter stole goes flying in the air making Peter have no wand._

Peter Byebye! _Turns into an elephant. _Wait! Wrong thing._ Transforms into a rat and runs away._

_Meanwhile Lupin's outgrown his shirts turning him into a werewolf. He pushes Sirius out of the way._

Hermione Are you scared boy?

Ron What are you doing!?

Hermione Socializing with the enemy. Come on boy! Come on!

Lupin/Werewolf Ah woo!!!

Harry Holy shit! We're dead!

_Snape comes out of nowhere._

Snape You tried to kill the hell out of me!

Harry Uh Proffesor Snape.

Snape And now you want to socialize!? Shut up!

Harry Uh Proffesor Snape.

Snape You tried disarming me! You're so rude!

Harry Goddamn it! Look behind you!

Snape _Sees Werewolf and then tries protcting the trio._

Harry Is he actually helping us!?

Hermione Well really he's protecting you so that he could kill you off in book 7!

Harry Oh right.

Snape Shoo! Shoo! Go away cute werewolf that should side up with me in book 7!

_Lupin/Werewolf_ g_ets ready to slash Snape and the trio but Sirius/dog pushes Lupin/Werewolf out of the way. They start fighting with each other until Lupin/Werewolf picks up Sirius/dog out of the way._

Harry Sirius! _Runs toward Lupin/Werewolf and throws a rock at it. Lupin/Werewolf is mad. _Oh shit I did the wrong thing.

Werewolf/Lupin _Gets ready to slash the hell out of Harry until a female Werewolf howls._ Hubba! Hubba! Woman Werewolf!_ Runs away._

_Harry sees Sirius turn into a hero and then fall into the Hogwarts Lake._

Harry SIRIUS! _Runs toward Sirius who is near the lake._ Sirius! SIRIUS!

Sirius Don't spit in my face you idiot.

Harry You're alive!?

Sirius ...

_The river turns into ice._

Harry Oh crap. The dementors. _A bunch of dementors surrounds Harry._ Stop it! He's innocent!

Dementor We know that. We're just all hungry.

_Harry takes out his wand and sees a dementor suck 1/10 of Harry's soul. Then another one sucks out 1/10 of Sirius's soul._

Harry AHHH!!!!!! **EXPECTO PATRONUM!**

_A wisp of light comes out of Harry's wand. A stupid dementor comes out of the group trying to suck out Harry's soul but instead it goes flying away from the fight. The wisp of light is almost out but this dementor who is impatient goes toward the light making itself away from the fight too. The light is gone._

Harry Gasp. Gasp. Gasp. _A dementor comes out from the group and suck 2/10 of Harry's soul._ UGH!

Sirius ..._A dementor comes out from the group and sucks out 1/10 of Sirius's soul._ Ooohhh!!!

_2 dementors comes from the group going toward Harry. They push each other._

Dementor You could suck out the old man's soul.

Dementor #2 But it's not as tender as the boys!

Dementor Too bad!

_The 2 dementors keeps arguing for 20 seconds._

Harry Pant. Pant. **EXPECTO PATRONUM! **

_A wisp of light emits from Harry's wand making the two dementors go flying. Since Harry's so tired and weak it only lasts for 4 seconds._

Sirius _A dementor sucks out 2/10 of his soul._ Ugh!

_2 dementors wants to suck out Harry's soul and keeps arguing about who sucks out his soul and then accidently sucks out each other's soul. They died with a soul!? Impossible!_

Harry **EXPECTO- **AH!!!_ 2 dementors sucks out 6/10 of Harry's soul leaving him with 1/10 of his soul._

Sirius Ugh! _A dementor sucks out all of his soul. A ball of light comes out of the old man's mouth._

_Suddenly a stag(A male deer.) that is white and transparent looks at the dementors._

Dementors We're weak against herbivores! _A bunny comes out of nowhere._ AHH!!!!!!

_The stag runs toward all the dementors making them fly away. It forgot about one who is going to suck out Harry's soul but then somehow eats it. Too bad for that dementor. The stag disapeers._

Harry Thanks...dad. I think. _Falls on his knees and then falls sideways with his knees still locked._ Help...

* * *

_I hope this chapter wasn't so short to all of you. In my opinion it's quite funny in the beginning and then decreased lower and lower after a while but I hope it was funny to you. My opinion does not count._


	17. Back in the Past! 7:30

_A long chapter. I hope you like it. YOU MUST READ THE FOLLOWING. In this chapter This would mean the people from the past are talking. For example. Harry_ **EXPECTO PATRONUM!** _You'll need to know that. ENJOY!!!_

* * *

_Harry wakes up in the Hospital Wing and sees Hermione._

Harry Hermione! What happened?

Hermione Well...you passed out with an encounter with the dementors and Ron...

Ron _From bed. _Aw crap! MY LEG! IT HURTS!

Harry So uh yeah...I LOST THE FIGHT WITH THE DEMENTORS!

Hermione Well actually-

Harry I need to blame someone. RON! YOU MADE ME LOSE AGAINST THE DEMENTORS!

Ron Whada whada whada!? I did nothing! My leg was broken!

Harry Likely answer! I'm going to break your leg even more!

Ron AH!!!

Dumbledore Ah! You're awake! How do you feel?

Harry Go to hell!

Hermione He's emo right now. Don't worry. It lasts only for a short hour.

Dumbledore Ah...500,000 points Gryffindor!

Harry 500,000 points my ass!

Dumbledore Uh huh. Your leg Ron, looks wonderful. Just looks so good that it hurts so much. _Touches Ron in the leg._

Ron MMM!! Er...GET OFF!

Dumbledore Huh? I'm so sorry. _Takes out a sledge hammer and smashes Ron's leg._

Ron OOOWW!!!!!

Dumbledore And to you 2. Give it 3 turns. 1 more life can be saved if you succeed. _Walks out the door._ Did what? Good night!

Ron What the bloody hell was that all about?

Hermione I so do not know...TIME TURNER! Sorry Ron but because of your brain damage and leg, we're going without you.

Harry What the hell's a time turner!?

Hermione _Takes out an hourglass neckless and puts it around Harry and Ron's head._ 1-2-3.

_Harry and Hermione goes back in time._

_Maid_ We got to go!

_Maid 2_ Good luck with your leg.

_Hermione_ We've gotta bop bop bop! Bop to top!

Harry What the hell?

Hermione Oh shit I hope you didn't see that.

_No one but Harry and Hermione is in the Hospital Wing._

Hermione 7:30! Where were we at 7:30?

Harry At the toy shop?

Hermione I think that was yesterday I meant-

Harry Last week? Oh we were only at the sandbox.

Hermione NO! TODAY!

Harry Hagrid's-

Hermione Oh yeah! Lets go!

Harry So stupid. wait...I HELPED! YAY!

_Outside of Hogwarts._

Harry What the hell just happened!?

Hermione This is a time turner! McGonagall gave it to me so I can get to my classes!

Harry ...no wonder you're so smart.

_Harry and Hermione is watching what is happening._

_Malfoy_ Yes. It is I, Malfoy.

_Ron_ _To Hermione. _Jinx him hard.

_Hermione_ You filthy little cockroach! _Puts her wand at Malfoy's neck._

_Ron_ Stop it Hermione. He isn't worth it.

_Hermione _But you said to jinx him hard!

_Ron_ I did? When?

_Harry_ Short term memory.

Harry Wow I am so right! He has short term memory!

Hermione Shh!

_Malfoy_ Hahaha. You wouldn't do it. We had sex at 7:00.

_Hermione _You're right. I can't. _Lowers her wand._

_Malfoy_ I knew she couldn't do it. _Hermione punches him in the face._ Heheheheheheheheh-AW!!!!! THAT HURTS LIKE HELL!

_Harry_ Good one.

Harry I am so right. GO ME! GO ME!

Hermione Thank you for the dance!

_Malfoy_ Come on Crabbe and Goyle we're leaving! _Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle runs away._

Hermione Uh oh. They're coming. Hide! _Harry and Hermione hides behind this staircase._ Come on. Lets go.

_Outside of Hagrid's hut._

Harry It's Buckbeak.

Hermione Thanks for stating the obvious!

Harry No need to thank me!

Hermione Remember what Dumbledore said. One-

Harry Hujdgioig! I don't care. I know what he said. (Uh what did he say?)

Hermione (You ass.) Uh huh.

_Harry and Hermione tries getting buckbeak out of the pen._

Harry Come on big boy! Get out! AW FRICK! GET THE HELL OUT!

Buckbeak NEVER!

Hermione Grr! Get out cutie. Get out or I'LL EAT YOU UP WHOLE!

Buckbeak Not unless I do first!

Hermione _Takes out a gun._

Buckbeak Whatcha gonna do? Shoot me with a RENTED gun!? HAHAHA! It doesn't even have bullets in it!

Hermione Aw shit he's right!

_Hermione sees dead ferrets. _

Hermione Hmm...

Harry I'm not doing it!

Hermione AW MAN!

_Hermione ends up having a ferret belt around her._

Hermione Get the ferret! (AW SICK!)

Buckbeak Ah hah! You win!

_Harry, Hermione, and Buckbeak is hiding behind a pumpkin._

_Hagrid_ _Looks out the window and sees Dumbledore, Cornelius Fudge, and Macnair._ Oh no! Run children! The execution's going to start!

_Harry, Hermione, and Ron just stays in the house._

Hermione What the hell!? They're not leaving!

Harry Hey look a stone! Dare me? _Takes a stone and throws it at a vase._ Damn it! I missed! _Takes another stone and by accident hits fake Harry's head._

_Harry_ OW! WHICH BASTARD DID THAT!?

Hermione Good job Harry!

Harry OW! MY SKULL!

Hermione Oh no! They're coming!

_Harry, Hermione, and Buckbeak hides behind a bush. Fake Harry, Ron, and Hermione hides behind a pumpkin._

Hermione Is that how I look like in my "behind"?

_Hermione Hears something from the bush._ Wait I think I heard something! Oh nevermind. It was my...imagination.

Hermione Lets go near the Whomping Willow.

_Harry, Hermione, and Buckbeak is near the Whomping Willow and sees fake Harry and Hermione trying to get in._

Harry Lets watch the fight!

_Hermione_ Harry! Watch out!

_Harry_ Watch out for what? Ugh! _Gets flinged into the air and loses his glasses._ I'm blind! My eyesight is so blurry!

_Hermione_ _Jumps over a branch._ Haha! _Suddenly is hit by the stomech and is on the moving branch._

_Harry_ I'm blind! I'm blind! I'm blind!

_Hermione_ AH!!!

_Hermione is 100 feet in the air and is suddenly falling down, getting hit by many branches._

_Harry_ There's my glasses! _Sees Hermione's hand into Harry's sleeve._ Of course I'll marry you. WHOA!

_Harry is flinged in the air with Hermione holding on to him. Then Hermione throws him into the Whomping Willow._

Harry And now we wait...

Hermione And now we wait.

Harry You know something good I noticed?

Hermione What?

Harry I bought a gun! An AK-47!

Hermione Oh my! You're not going to-

Harry I must...I must shoot...all the chickens for their yummy meat! MWAHAHAHA!

Hermione Oh. I thought you were going to go on killing spree.

Harry Hey! That's tomorrow! Thanks for the reminder.

Hermione Aw crap. What have I done?

Harry You know...I saw my dad during the fight with the dementors. He casted a patronus. A stag.

Hermione But he's-

Harry I KNOW! He's emo like me!

Hermione No, he's dead.

Harry Screw you! He's still out there! HE'S STILL OUT THERE!!!

Hermione Okay...NO HE'S NOT!

Buckbeak Will you shut up! _Eats a bat._

Bat NOOOO!!!!! MY WORLD DOMINATION IS OVER! CURSE YOU! _Turns into acid and then Buckbeak "Eliminated waste"._

Harry Look! They're coming out!

_Lupin/Werewolf_ Ah woo!!!

_Harry_ Holy shit! We're dead!

Harry What happens if fake Harry over there dies?

Hermione You die.

Harry OH SHIT! HE NEED'S TO LIVE!!!

_Lupin/Werewolf_ g_ets ready to slash Snape and the trio but Sirius/dog pushes Lupin/Werewolf out of the way. They start fighting with each other until Lupin/Werewolf picks up Sirius/dog out of the way._

_Harry _Sirius! _Runs toward Lupin/Werewolf and throws a rock at it. Lupin/Werewolf is mad. _Oh shit I did the wrong thing.

Hermione Ah woo!

Harry What the hell are you doing!?

Hermione Saving your life!

Harry So that it could kill us!?

Hermione It won't do that. AH WOO!

_Lupin/Werewolf comes over to Harry and Hermione._

Harry Now you've done it. _Harry and Hermione runs to the bush. Oh yeah and so did Buckbeak!_ Use your brain stupid!

* * *

_I think there are only 2 chapters in this this story but it might not be! NOOOO! IT CAN'T END! The story's going to end(NO!!!) but I'm going to make a James Bond story! Got everything in my head so to all James Bond fans! In a few weeks it is coming!_


	18. Sirius's Rescue

_Here's a new chapter. One more chapter to go! Tear tear! Well I hope you love it. ENJOY TO ALL!_

* * *

_Harry and Hermione is running away from Lupin/Werewolf._

Harry AHH!!!!!! HELP!

Hermione Ah woo!!! Ah woo! AH WOO!!!

Harry WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

Hermione Nothing. It's just fun doing it.

_Lupin/Wereowlf is still chasing Harry and Hermione until they hide behind this tree._

Harry We should be safe here.

Hermione Uh Harry?

Harry The Werewolf will keep away from us if we keep turning.

Hermione Uh Harry?

Harry This will make it harder for us to find.

Hermione AH FRICK! HARRY! THE WEREWOLF IS BEHIND US!

Harry Pff. Yeah right! _Sees Lupin/Werewolf._Oh shit! We're dead!

Werewolf/Lupin DIE!!!!! _Gets ready to kill Harry and Hermione but Buckbeak heroicly saves them by scaring it away._

Harry Oh no! The dementors are coming! We need to go!

Hermione WHY?

Harry Cause I said so!

_In the Hogwarts Lake._

Harry Lets stay here for a few minutes watching me get killed.

Hermione Don't you care?

Harry Nah.

_Harry_ Oh crap. The dementors. _A bunch of dementors surrounds Harry._ Stop it! He's innocent!

_Dementors _We know! We're all just hungry!

_Harry takes out his wand and sees a dementor suck 1/10 of Harry's soul. Then another one sucks out 1/10 of Sirius's soul._

_Harry_ AHHH!!!!!! **EXPECTO PATRONUM!**

_A wisp of light comes out of Harry's wand. A stupid dementor comes out of the group trying to suck out Harry's soul but instead it goes flying away from the fight. The wisp of light is almost out but this dementor who is impatient goes toward the light making itself away from the fight too. The light is gone._

Harry Am I good or what? Go Harry!

_Harry_ Gasp. Gasp. Gasp. _A dementor comes out from the group and suck 2/10 of Harry's soul._ UGH!

Hermione Ouch! That must have hurt, Harry.

Harry Nah! It feels like eating ice cream.

_Sirius_ ..._A dementor comes out from the group and sucks out 1/10 of Sirius's soul._ Ooohhh!!!

Harry He's still alive...

_2 dementors comes from the group going toward Harry. They push each other._

_Dementor_ You could suck out the old man's soul.

_Dementor #2_ But it's not as tender as the boys!

_Dementor Too bad!_

_The 2 dementors keeps arguing for 20 seconds._

_Harry_ Pant. Pant. **EXPECTO PATRONUM! **

Harry Heh heh heh! Stupids!

_2 dementors wants to suck out Harry's soul and keeps arguing about who sucks out his soul and then accidently sucks out each other's soul._ _They died with a soul!? Impossible!_

_Harry_ **EXPECTO- **AH!!!_ 2 dementors sucks out 6/10 of Harry's soul leaving him with 1/10 of his soul._

_Sirius_ Ugh! _A dementor sucks out all of his soul. A ball of light comes out of the old man's mouth._

Hermione You better do something. You're dying.

Harry ...any minute. Over there.

_Sirius _...

Harry Oh what the hell! **EXPECTO PATRONUM!!! **

_Suddenly a stag(A male deer.) that is white and transparent looks at the dementors._

_Dementors_ We're weak against herbivores! _A bunny comes out of nowhere._ AHH!!!!!!

_The stag runs toward all the dementors making them fly away. It forgot about one who is going to suck out Harry's soul but then somehow eats it. Too bad for that dementor. The stag disapeers._

_Harry_ Thanks...dad. I think. _Falls on his knees and then falls sideways with his knees still locked._ Help...

Harry ...

_Harry and Hermione is flying on Buckbeak to find Sirius._

Harry I can't believe it! My father is me! I'm not dead! I'M NOT DEAD!

Hermione Yes Harry! You're not dead!

Harry It all makes sense doesn't it?

Hermione NO!!!

Harry Time to go down!

Hermione AHHH!!!!!!!!

Harry There's the tower!

Sirius What is another word for female dogs? It's b-

Harry and Hermione **Bombarda! **You're free Sirius!

Sirius Damn it! I didn't get to answer it!

_Harry, Sirius, and Hermione is flying on Buckbeak._

Harry Over there! Go Buckbeak!

Hermione AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS NOT NORMAL TO PEOPLE WHO LIKE THIS!

Harry and Sirius WHOOOOOO!!!!

Sirius _Sirius rips a feather out from Buckbeak. _OOPS! Sorry.

_Harry, Sirius, and Hermione flies down._

Sirius ...Harry, you look so much like your father.

Harry A lot of-

Hermione You know why you do? You inheritated so much genes from your dad then your mom so-

Harry I'm going to have girlfriends in the future for-

Hermione For comes from the latin word meaning luck!

_Harry_ _Punches Hermione so she'd shut up._

Harry Anyway...haven't you told me you're my godfather?

Sirius Yes. Yes I have.

Harry Really?

Sirius Yup. I really am.

Harry Damn it. I hate this.

Sirius Why?

Harry I wanted Lupin to be my godfather. He gives me chocolate.

Sirius Hey! I know Lupin! He's that smart wise ass!

Harry And a werewolf.

Sirius Oh yeah.

Hermione Damn it! This feeling is bad. Hmm, the formula of defeat. Fantastic!

Sirius I have to take my leave. Oh by the way Hermione, lose some weight to look sexy in front of Victor Krum.

Hermione What?

Sirius Nevermind. _Flies away with Buckbeak._

Harry There goes my...gayfather.

* * *

_This is pretty short but hey! It's kinda long! Though not so funny. SORRY! Well I hope you still liked it. Next chapter. Bye Lupin, Hello Broom! Oh yeah! Like I said! I'm going to make a 007 fanfic! Just a reminder to you all. I know told you that. Next chapter coming out eh 2 or 1 day._


	19. Bye bye Lupin, Hello Broom

_A new-hopefully longer-chapter! This is sob...the last chapter. I hope you enjoyed this story. I think I'm going to take a break of writing parodies of these. After I write a 007 fanfic I'll write Goblet of Fire. This chapter will be quite short! I'm just telling you all that. Here it is!_

* * *

_Harry and Hermione is running to Hogwarts._

Harry We need to get there by 10:30!

Hermione It's 10:29! 49.96, 50.12, 58.99!

Harry NOO!!!!!!!

_Harry and Hermione crashes into the door, head smacked. They fall and see Dumbledore._

Harry Oh erm...WE DID IT!

Dumbledore Did what? GET MY MISSING PHOTO OF BOBO!?

Harry Eh no.

Dumbledore Ok then I don't care. _Walks away._

Harry _Opens the door and sees Harry and Hermione dissapeer and Ron is in his bed. _Hello!

Ron What the-wonka rola YOU WERE JUST THERE!

Harry We were? OH YEAH! We went back in time so-

Hermione HARRY! SHUT UP!

Harry Er...we sort of...YOU HAVE BRAIN DAMAGE! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?

Ron But-but-but!

Hermione Harry, how are you on puberty?

Harry BECAUSE I'M DAMN MAD! GO TO HELL!

Hermione So yeah. Ron you saw absoloutly nothing!

Harry Except for us back in time.

Ron What was that?

Harry Nothing!

_Harry is going to Lupin's room. When he opens the door he sees Lupin packing his crap._

Lupin Well hello!

Harry Where are you going?

Lupin I'm leaving. Everybody knows I'm a werewolf. There goes the myth book. WHY DID REMUS DIE FROM ROMBULUS!?

Harry So yeah...That's not fair at all. STUPID ROMULUS!

Romulus Hey! I WAS WISER!

Lupin Uh huh. _Smashes book killing Romulus._

Romulus OW! Ow! Ooh sweet irony! OW! Uh. AH MINOTAUR!

Lupin He got killed off.

Harry Everybody only hates you because you teach good!

Lupin Why does everybody hate me for that?

_Awkward pause._

Harry Can I have some chocolate?

Lupin OH SURE! I have Crunch, Three muskateers, Hershey, and-

Harry I'll take Hershey. Thanks. So...is this good bye?

Lupin Until we see again. In book 5 I mean. COUGH!No one can tell.

Harry Don't you have something to give me?

Lupin Hmm? Oh yeah. _Gives Harry a knut._

Harry Er something else?

Lupin Oh my! Did I forget? _Gives Harry a sickle._

Harry Ehem? The-

Lupin Gallon? Oh yeah! _Gives Harry a gallon!_

Harry OH MY GOD! THE FRICKEN MAP!

Lupin Hmm? OH YEAH! I'm keeping that.

Harry What the hell?

Lupin Phych! Here. Mischief Manage. _Gives Harry the map and walks away._

Harry There he goes...my favorite teacher...he gives me yummy chocolate.

_In the halls._

Ron Harry look! It's a new broom!

Harry What the hell? Someone expects me to clean!?

Ron No! They fly! Remember?

Harry Oh yeah.

Ron Fred and George forced me to open it!

Fred Did not!

Ron Did too!

George Did not!

Ron Did too!

Fred Did not!

Ron Did too!

George Did not!

Ron Did too!

Fred Did not!

Ron Did too!

George Did not!

Ron Did too!

Harry Okay shut up now! It's getting a hell of a man annoying.

Hermione It came with this. _Shows a hippogriff's feather._

Harry It's not like my godfather took Buckbeak and flew him away and bought be this with a hippogriff feather! It never happened!

Seamus Come on! FLY IT!

Harry Gotcha! WHOO LET'S GO OUTSIDE! _Everybody is outside._

Hermione Fly!

Ron Fly!

Seamus Fly!

Dean Fly!

Percy Fly!

Ginny Fly!

George Fly!

Fred Fly!

Hedwig Hoot! Hoot! Come to papa! _Takes a rat and eats it._

Malfoy Er fly!

Goyle Fly!

Crabbe Fly!

Harry Here I go! _Soars into the air 500,000,000 miles per hour._ AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Harry We'd like to say some things.

Ron Peace to all!

Hermione Get the knowledge to learn!

Harry And have a brave heart!

* * *

_THE END! OR IS IT? I know you may have heard the phrase Peace to all, get the knowledge to learn before in my other parody because I've decided to put that quote in all my parodies. Even though this story was short it was funny. That's my opinion. Have fun reading my other parodies to you all! Remember these three things. Peace to all! Ronald Weasley/ Get your knowledge to learn! Hermione Granger/ And have a brave heart. Harry Potter._


End file.
